Split

September 19th, 2010

Twelve am.

On a Sunday morning.

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Remember how I said that I was leaving for a while? Well, thanks to a thing that happened, I came back early. But that doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at them.

And I'm only pissed at them because of Thorn.

So it all comes back to Thorn. Because whenever someone mentions her I want to punch something. What I hate more, though, is that they're all like, "Oh yeah Ave's here don't talk about it! She's gonna get pissed!" I hate that. So much. So freaking much.

This really does make me sound bitchy. But it's the truth and I have no reason to lie and pretend I'm fine on my own blog.

Because I have only a few things truly keeping me miserable, and the main thing is that I can't get the hell away from her. I'm sick of it, really. Sick of it. There's no escaping it; no matter what the hell I do the only way to get away is to leave all of the other friends I've made on fanfiction. And there's no way I'm letting this ruin my entire online life. It's not worth it. So I have to put up with it or--or--there is no or. I have to put up with it, period. Unless I want to leave, but I've already said leaving isn't an option.

It is solidified in my mind that no one leaves forever. This was truly proven when Cara came back on Thursday. I think it was Thursday. All of the days are just melting together in my mind. But I'm pretty sure it was Thursday. Cara had been gone for months, but she's come back (this was a very happy occasion *smiles*). And that really proves that no one ever leaves for real. I mean, I still expect Rachel to come back one day, even to just pop in and visit. Gabi is gone for real, but that's mostly because she was just never so close with lots of us in the first place, I think. And so I know that even if I did leave, I, too, would be back. It might be a few days or a week or a month or even months before I did, but I would come back. I know it. I love them all too much. They are my second family.

Another thing messing it all up: Homework. Too much of it. And I know I should spend more time on it and actually study, but I don't. I should. And I will. Soon. I swear.

I'm really worried about Des. She's not doing so great lately. Today we spent an hour on Skype call and talked about pointless things and it was awesome, but now she's kind of worrying, really, about everything. And I feel so bad for her. More than anything I wish that I could actually hug her, instead of just typing the word. But I can't. This, I hate. I'd elaborate but this is really not something I have any right to announce to the Internet.

I am failing at completing any of the tasks on the Schedule Schedule. The Schedule Schedule is the schedule I compiled so that I may complete my first schedule in time, although I know I won't. So tomorrow I am chained to that, and I can't go online tomorrow.

And something that I really have issues with keeps pestering me too. According to my doctor, I need to drink more fluids and go to the bathroom more often. This is actually more challenging than it would seem. Moving on . . .

NaNo has turned into my own personal prison. Every free minute is NaNo planning now, it seems, and I've hit a major plot hole. Because it needs more action and is going to fail, and at this point I want to work on another original plot bunny I have. But I can't, and I have to turn the one I have into something good. So I guess I will, then. Let's see how that goes . . .

I honestly don't know what keeps me going lately. No clue at all. My bestie and I aren't talking so much, and so it's . . . strange, really. She's more of an outdoors person who loves the summer and being outside. I am a fall/winter person who would rather be curled up inside reading or writing or on the computer. Don't ask me how we get along. We just . . . do. We've grown apart yet stuck together somehow, and we just have to find a bit of common ground first. The only problem? We're opposites.

School is in no way encouraging me, since everything is simply demanding and I can't slack off there; and at home I can't slack off since I have so much to do. So I'm busy. Yet not doing anything. It sucks.

Often enough I feel like two separate people. There's the me I am around my friends, and the one I am online, and the one I am around strangers, the one I am when I'm at home, the one I am when I'm by myself; the list goes on and on. It'll make sense if I ever get around to explaining what I call The Ave Complex. That's long and complicated, though, and I'm tired. And I've only been up for twelve hours or so. It's nearly one now, since I keep switching between this and other things, so I should go to bed. G'Night, and hopefully I'll update on Monday. We'll see, eh?

--Ave, off to sleep and feeling much better