NaNo Takes Over

September 15th, 2010

9:30 pm.

On a Wednesday night.

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Nothing much has happened in the past few days.

That is bad, by the way.

And so why am I updating now? I shouldn't be. I have to do math homework and study and then catch up on NaNo character profiles--that's right, not planning itself. That I am actually caught up on (but tomorrow's Thursday, and so I have to do two more hours then). So, basically, I am really hating NaNo right now. It's taking over. Although, really, there's no space for it to take over. It's not allowed.

Yes, I know this makes no sense. Oh well.

Either way, once we get to Saturday this current schedule is through with. That is bad because I have to do three and a half character profiles and then tomorrow's NaNo planning for two hours and then Friday's OTP (multi-chapter fic) plotting, which is for one hour, but I have another hour of OTP work from Saturday to do.

So of course I have also decided that I have to take Saturday off.

The reason? I haven't been reading enough. This may sound weird. Oh well. Either way, I've realized that I spend so much time on the computer or plotting or, god forbid, writing, that I never really read properly anymore. So I am taking Saturday off. Kinda. See, I can't take the whole day off; I told Desy I would attempt to Skype call her on Saturday night. But I shall take the morning off and simply read and reacquaint myself with my DVR. It misses me.

Anyways, news of the good sort: Kayla and Reese and Jess have been online a lot lately. This is good news, for those of you who are ignorant.

And also, people have been asking me about Thorn a lot. Why do I find the need to say this? Because I, being me, have decided to rant. Of course. What else would I do?

People keep asking about it. Honestly, I have no idea how to truly answer them on it. When you get down to it, I instigated the final fight. But all that happened between fights was us just not talking; there was no regularity where we actually talked. And honestly, there was something in me that was just sick of it all. And just hated it. Most of all, that something wanted it to be over. It got its wish. In the beginning, though (I've been thinking a lot about this), we only became friends because people decided we were so similar and lumped us together. I liked this in the beginning. I felt like I belonged. And now, nearly five months after I made my first appearance on Theia's forum, and then later on Have you give up yet? on Honest's forum, I realized that I don't need to cling to someone to feel like I belong. I belong in my own right now, as presumptuous as that may sound. At least, I feel as though I belong in my own right. And that's good enough.

I know that that makes it sound as though I used Thorn as a security blanket, and never really cared. But what people won't realize is that I cared about her, a lot, no matter what. It just feels like she back stabbed me, kind of, and hung me out to dry. Her leaving was not abrupt. She hadn't truly been online since June. And so her not being around was normal. Me not talking to her was normal. I've heard her own opinions on this, but this is honestly how I've been thinking of it for two months, more: she hasn't been acting like the same person. She wasn't, to me, anything like that person I met in April. I don't know how other people think of this, but this is how I see it. And I don't think I could ever really go back to that.

For two months I pretended it was fine when it wasn't. I pretended to be normal when I was having breakdowns every other day and wrote god knows how many rants that I wanted to say to her, to everyone. Rants I wanted to shout from the rooftops so that it would finally be over with and the pieces could be picked up and reassembled and this time, we'd be fine, we'd be normal again.

Only at this point, we could never be normal again. Ever.

And on September the second--I pretend not to know the date, but I have it memorized--I finally snapped. At this point I had been thinking that I could just kind of not talk to her for a while until I sorted it all out and knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make this work and be her "twin" again. But then I just snapped. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted it through. Done and over with. I was going to tell her exactly what I thought, and if we parted ways in the end and never spoke again, or if we talked it out and were best friends, I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it over with. Truthfully, I never thought it wouldn't work out.

But it didn't. And so we exchanged our harsh words and then she decided she was leaving. So, like that, she left. I stayed. I know that I could never really leave. That's a fact; I just care about everyone too much. The day she decided she was leaving, I was fine. Friday, the day after that? That day sucked.

So I had a breakdown. At that point, as I said, I was having breakdowns three, four times a week. This one was bad. In said breakdown, I basically blamed myself for everything and was confused and cried a bunch. I felt bad about it.

And I don't feel so bad about it now. She left to "get her life back", or something of the sort. And she can do that. Honestly, it's better to not have to worry about that. But I don't feel like it's over. This seems like, to me, a sort of downtime, and something else is going to happen. Something explosive. Because I believe that no one leaves the Veritas forever. No one. It doesn't happen. And so I have a feeling she'll be back, and we'll both learn to cross that bridge when we get to it.

So that's it. Kind of. And the truth is, I honestly am angry at her right now. Can I really blame her for what happened? No. The final fight was my fault. But I was angry at her about something, and that's what led up to it. I still don't regret it. Nevertheless, I still wonder what would have happened if it turned out just a bit differently. Because right now, when someone mentions her or Vengeance I get that sick feeling again. I'm just sick of it. Because as much as I want it to be the past, I can't let go. Not just yet. In the end this is going to lead to something, because I know for a fact she's not gone forever. The real reason I think I'm mad at her is basically that she left. That she didn't care about us enough to stay. That apparently we're not worth it.

It's bullshit. Because you can make time for us. Reese does it, damn it. And she does everything (every activity, that is). And so if you leave us, it's because, once more, you didn't care enough to make it work so that you could stay, even if it was just popping in once every three days or so.

And this leads me to a final conclusion of:

1) She doesn't care

2) Ranting feels good

3) I have way too much crap to get done to stay here ranting. Math homework, here I come...*sighs*

--Ave, ever adamant, yet confuzzled, and with math homework to do

PS--That rant was most likely repetitive and made no sense. Too bad.