September 27th, 2010
Nearing eleven pm
On a Monday night.
--------------
We'll make this quick, eh?
'Cause Blogger is glitching and it hates me.
Some more stuff happened. Not very much, though. To summarize, briefly:
Firstly, I've been reading a lot. *throws streamers* YAY! Last week I finally got to read Into the Gauntlet, the last 39 Clues book. I loved it. And they're making a sequel series, in which Ian/Amy had better happen. *glares at Scholastic* IT'D BETTER! *shakes fist angrily* See, Ian and Amy are two characters in the series, and I'm kind of obsessed with them. Just a little bit . . . But they're worth being obsessed with, and have inspired me to try writing . . . *pause for dramatic effect* romance.
Mhm. So that's the new plan. Also, I have fixed my NaNo ending. For real. With two magical words that make every story make sense: SERIAL KILLER.
Now, this may sound strange. In fact, I know it sounds strange. But truthfully, the whole thing now makes sense, and so I've been taking a bit of time off from NaNo, and shall resume my obsessive planning in a few days. Of course, looking at the date, I have been panicking about how little time I now have, but I'll make it work. I shall. Or else.
Haven't had nearly as many bad days lately; just a few where I am very, very negative. Very. Did I say very enough times? I don't think I did. VERY. M'kay, that's good now. And things are doing quite well. I aced my first math test, and was one of only four in eighty to do so. Studying pays off.
And now I'd better go to bed, because it's late and I must study and brush my teeth and do some other stuff.
--Ave, who should study and sleep and read, but doesn't feel like it
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Random Post
September 19th, 2010
Afternoon-ish.
On a Sunday
-------
So.
Nothing new has happened, quite obviously, seeing as it hasn't even been eleven hours since I last posted and I spent almost all of that time sleeping. Sleeping is the only task on the schedule schedule that I have actually gotten done. The sad thing is, even though I've spent nearly twenty-four hours sleeping this weekend, I'm still tired. And after waking up at twelve-thirty yesterday, I went back to sleep at just past one and very easily dozed off. Back to the point, however. And the point this time is: I have no point. This is just going to be one of those posts where I worry a lot.
And sadly, there's a lot to worry about.
About a week ago I found out that my dog, whom I've had for years, is sick. Turns out he managed to get himself a skin rash and an ear infection, although the rash seemed to be the worst part. A rash he got, possibly, because after I gave him a bath, I didn't take his collar off, and so it may have irritated him and caused him to scratch at his neck, where he got the rash, in the first place. Thankfully he's getting better now and the spot on his neck they had to shave is healing quite nicely, and his fur is already starting to grow back.
School started less than two weeks ago. And already I am swamped, although most of my problems come back to nightly math and science, which I can't do anything about, and this project I have to do. See, the one friend I thought I had no classes with turned out to be in my lunch and this sort of class we have to take that's kind of like home economics. The whole point of the class is the big project you do in groups. But you didn't get to pick the group you were in, because . . . well, I don't really know why. We just weren't allowed to. All we got to do was pick partners, and then she put groups of partners together.
So, my friend and I were partners, obviously. And we got paired with another group of partners who are among the better people we could have gotten stuck with, only neither of them wants to do any work outside of class. I've had this happen to me before when working in groups, and so I knew that at least these two would do something in class, even if they wouldn't do any outside school, and so catching up on things at home would come down to me and my friend. It could have been worse; they could have done nothing or I could have been stuck without my friend in the first place.
Only, we have to catch up on this part of the project, and my friend is busy all weekend. So who does it fall to? Me. Of course. And I don't have the time for this.
Of course, no one at my school considers writing to be any sort of extracurricular activity unless it's done in one of their writing clubs, which are a) the school newspaper, which is a joke and no one ever reads, or b) their thing where you stay after school and basically write and receive instruction from one of the English teachers, who has published two books. The only thing is? I don't mean to sound mean, but if he had truly been successful, he would not be teaching English to kids in my not-so-fantastic town. And so . . . well, I don't want to make it sound like I scorn this, because it's an accomplishment to be published at all and even if he wasn't published he still knows a lot about writing. But . . . I don't know. I don't know anyone who's actually in this club thing, and so I don't know if they aspire to actually be honest to goodness published writers when they grow up and think this is going to help them. And so maybe being in that club would help me, but the truth is I would rather keep my writing mine, and anonymous.
And so everyone thinks I am one of those people who does nothing with her life, when in truth I do a ton of stuff. It just all comes back to writing. I don't know anyone in real life who wants to be an author one day. I know those people who say, "Oh, I'm going to write a story!" and then their story is a half page long and after getting out their new notebook to write it in and carrying it around with them for a few days, they forget about it. Weeks, months, years later, they'll find it, and read it, and laugh at it. But never continue it. They all think writing is so easy, something simple. But it's not, and they never appreciate exactly how much work goes into forcing out those words and making them good and making sure that this scene doesn't bore the living crap out of people, and that this scene has enough action, and that this fact is plausible and this isn't pointless entirely, but just pointless enough to make it enjoyable. And plot holes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that my mind believes that no one I know can write, really. I know that, most likely, this isn't true. They probably can write. Someone among them. And someone among them is probably also infinitely better than me. This I know. But in the end, it comes down to me being obsessed with being the best, and being better than all of them at writing because I started young and never really truly gave up. But most of all, being successful in my writing, being published, is really something that I want so much simply to prove that I haven't wasted my time writing. Because if I didn't write, I would have a life. I would do things. So I have simply devoted my entire life as a minor to writing in hopes that it'll lead to something.
I know Mia (that's right, I called her Mia for once, you may all now be amazed) always talks about her plans for the future, plans she says most likely won't happen. I, too, have a convoluted plan for the future that, while it may be a lot of wishful thinking, also has a chance.
This plan has undergone massive changes over the past few weeks, after the original plan was shot straight to hell. And so now it entails the following: going to *insert college name here*, double majoring in history and English. Then, in my second year of college, I shall study abroad in England/Scotland so that I have primary sources for the book I want to write on Mary and Elizabeth Tudor and the other book I want to write on Mary Queen of Scots. Although this makes more sense if I study in England after I publish a book so that people take me seriously, and so this may fail . . . Either way. Then I eventually go back to the other college and finish studying there, and graduate. And then find a random job doing something with history, preferably the European kind, in New York or Toronto, since they're the two publishing capitals of North America. Or maybe D.C., simply because it'd be more likely for me to find a job having to do with history there. And then I live happily ever after and get published and get a dog named Laika and become the next J.K. Rowling.
Yup. That's my plan fail, all of which stemmed off of me explaining the stupid project I procrastinated working on by writing this post. Mhm . . .
--Ave, who really should work on her stupid project
P.S.--I also have a new obsession. Heard about the movie The Social Network, that comes out on October first? I am obsessed with it. This is stupid, since I don't even have a Facebook. I just really really really like the story. A lot. And so, I shall drag my cousin and her friend to see it with me a few weeks after it comes out. *nods some* *skips off to finish project*
Afternoon-ish.
On a Sunday
-------
So.
Nothing new has happened, quite obviously, seeing as it hasn't even been eleven hours since I last posted and I spent almost all of that time sleeping. Sleeping is the only task on the schedule schedule that I have actually gotten done. The sad thing is, even though I've spent nearly twenty-four hours sleeping this weekend, I'm still tired. And after waking up at twelve-thirty yesterday, I went back to sleep at just past one and very easily dozed off. Back to the point, however. And the point this time is: I have no point. This is just going to be one of those posts where I worry a lot.
And sadly, there's a lot to worry about.
About a week ago I found out that my dog, whom I've had for years, is sick. Turns out he managed to get himself a skin rash and an ear infection, although the rash seemed to be the worst part. A rash he got, possibly, because after I gave him a bath, I didn't take his collar off, and so it may have irritated him and caused him to scratch at his neck, where he got the rash, in the first place. Thankfully he's getting better now and the spot on his neck they had to shave is healing quite nicely, and his fur is already starting to grow back.
School started less than two weeks ago. And already I am swamped, although most of my problems come back to nightly math and science, which I can't do anything about, and this project I have to do. See, the one friend I thought I had no classes with turned out to be in my lunch and this sort of class we have to take that's kind of like home economics. The whole point of the class is the big project you do in groups. But you didn't get to pick the group you were in, because . . . well, I don't really know why. We just weren't allowed to. All we got to do was pick partners, and then she put groups of partners together.
So, my friend and I were partners, obviously. And we got paired with another group of partners who are among the better people we could have gotten stuck with, only neither of them wants to do any work outside of class. I've had this happen to me before when working in groups, and so I knew that at least these two would do something in class, even if they wouldn't do any outside school, and so catching up on things at home would come down to me and my friend. It could have been worse; they could have done nothing or I could have been stuck without my friend in the first place.
Only, we have to catch up on this part of the project, and my friend is busy all weekend. So who does it fall to? Me. Of course. And I don't have the time for this.
Of course, no one at my school considers writing to be any sort of extracurricular activity unless it's done in one of their writing clubs, which are a) the school newspaper, which is a joke and no one ever reads, or b) their thing where you stay after school and basically write and receive instruction from one of the English teachers, who has published two books. The only thing is? I don't mean to sound mean, but if he had truly been successful, he would not be teaching English to kids in my not-so-fantastic town. And so . . . well, I don't want to make it sound like I scorn this, because it's an accomplishment to be published at all and even if he wasn't published he still knows a lot about writing. But . . . I don't know. I don't know anyone who's actually in this club thing, and so I don't know if they aspire to actually be honest to goodness published writers when they grow up and think this is going to help them. And so maybe being in that club would help me, but the truth is I would rather keep my writing mine, and anonymous.
And so everyone thinks I am one of those people who does nothing with her life, when in truth I do a ton of stuff. It just all comes back to writing. I don't know anyone in real life who wants to be an author one day. I know those people who say, "Oh, I'm going to write a story!" and then their story is a half page long and after getting out their new notebook to write it in and carrying it around with them for a few days, they forget about it. Weeks, months, years later, they'll find it, and read it, and laugh at it. But never continue it. They all think writing is so easy, something simple. But it's not, and they never appreciate exactly how much work goes into forcing out those words and making them good and making sure that this scene doesn't bore the living crap out of people, and that this scene has enough action, and that this fact is plausible and this isn't pointless entirely, but just pointless enough to make it enjoyable. And plot holes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that my mind believes that no one I know can write, really. I know that, most likely, this isn't true. They probably can write. Someone among them. And someone among them is probably also infinitely better than me. This I know. But in the end, it comes down to me being obsessed with being the best, and being better than all of them at writing because I started young and never really truly gave up. But most of all, being successful in my writing, being published, is really something that I want so much simply to prove that I haven't wasted my time writing. Because if I didn't write, I would have a life. I would do things. So I have simply devoted my entire life as a minor to writing in hopes that it'll lead to something.
I know Mia (that's right, I called her Mia for once, you may all now be amazed) always talks about her plans for the future, plans she says most likely won't happen. I, too, have a convoluted plan for the future that, while it may be a lot of wishful thinking, also has a chance.
This plan has undergone massive changes over the past few weeks, after the original plan was shot straight to hell. And so now it entails the following: going to *insert college name here*, double majoring in history and English. Then, in my second year of college, I shall study abroad in England/Scotland so that I have primary sources for the book I want to write on Mary and Elizabeth Tudor and the other book I want to write on Mary Queen of Scots. Although this makes more sense if I study in England after I publish a book so that people take me seriously, and so this may fail . . . Either way. Then I eventually go back to the other college and finish studying there, and graduate. And then find a random job doing something with history, preferably the European kind, in New York or Toronto, since they're the two publishing capitals of North America. Or maybe D.C., simply because it'd be more likely for me to find a job having to do with history there. And then I live happily ever after and get published and get a dog named Laika and become the next J.K. Rowling.
Yup. That's my plan fail, all of which stemmed off of me explaining the stupid project I procrastinated working on by writing this post. Mhm . . .
--Ave, who really should work on her stupid project
P.S.--I also have a new obsession. Heard about the movie The Social Network, that comes out on October first? I am obsessed with it. This is stupid, since I don't even have a Facebook. I just really really really like the story. A lot. And so, I shall drag my cousin and her friend to see it with me a few weeks after it comes out. *nods some* *skips off to finish project*
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Split
September 19th, 2010
Twelve am.
On a Sunday morning.
-----------
Remember how I said that I was leaving for a while? Well, thanks to a thing that happened, I came back early. But that doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at them.
And I'm only pissed at them because of Thorn.
So it all comes back to Thorn. Because whenever someone mentions her I want to punch something. What I hate more, though, is that they're all like, "Oh yeah Ave's here don't talk about it! She's gonna get pissed!" I hate that. So much. So freaking much.
This really does make me sound bitchy. But it's the truth and I have no reason to lie and pretend I'm fine on my own blog.
Because I have only a few things truly keeping me miserable, and the main thing is that I can't get the hell away from her. I'm sick of it, really. Sick of it. There's no escaping it; no matter what the hell I do the only way to get away is to leave all of the other friends I've made on fanfiction. And there's no way I'm letting this ruin my entire online life. It's not worth it. So I have to put up with it or--or--there is no or. I have to put up with it, period. Unless I want to leave, but I've already said leaving isn't an option.
It is solidified in my mind that no one leaves forever. This was truly proven when Cara came back on Thursday. I think it was Thursday. All of the days are just melting together in my mind. But I'm pretty sure it was Thursday. Cara had been gone for months, but she's come back (this was a very happy occasion *smiles*). And that really proves that no one ever leaves for real. I mean, I still expect Rachel to come back one day, even to just pop in and visit. Gabi is gone for real, but that's mostly because she was just never so close with lots of us in the first place, I think. And so I know that even if I did leave, I, too, would be back. It might be a few days or a week or a month or even months before I did, but I would come back. I know it. I love them all too much. They are my second family.
Another thing messing it all up: Homework. Too much of it. And I know I should spend more time on it and actually study, but I don't. I should. And I will. Soon. I swear.
I'm really worried about Des. She's not doing so great lately. Today we spent an hour on Skype call and talked about pointless things and it was awesome, but now she's kind of worrying, really, about everything. And I feel so bad for her. More than anything I wish that I could actually hug her, instead of just typing the word. But I can't. This, I hate. I'd elaborate but this is really not something I have any right to announce to the Internet.
I am failing at completing any of the tasks on the Schedule Schedule. The Schedule Schedule is the schedule I compiled so that I may complete my first schedule in time, although I know I won't. So tomorrow I am chained to that, and I can't go online tomorrow.
And something that I really have issues with keeps pestering me too. According to my doctor, I need to drink more fluids and go to the bathroom more often. This is actually more challenging than it would seem. Moving on . . .
NaNo has turned into my own personal prison. Every free minute is NaNo planning now, it seems, and I've hit a major plot hole. Because it needs more action and is going to fail, and at this point I want to work on another original plot bunny I have. But I can't, and I have to turn the one I have into something good. So I guess I will, then. Let's see how that goes . . .
I honestly don't know what keeps me going lately. No clue at all. My bestie and I aren't talking so much, and so it's . . . strange, really. She's more of an outdoors person who loves the summer and being outside. I am a fall/winter person who would rather be curled up inside reading or writing or on the computer. Don't ask me how we get along. We just . . . do. We've grown apart yet stuck together somehow, and we just have to find a bit of common ground first. The only problem? We're opposites.
School is in no way encouraging me, since everything is simply demanding and I can't slack off there; and at home I can't slack off since I have so much to do. So I'm busy. Yet not doing anything. It sucks.
Often enough I feel like two separate people. There's the me I am around my friends, and the one I am online, and the one I am around strangers, the one I am when I'm at home, the one I am when I'm by myself; the list goes on and on. It'll make sense if I ever get around to explaining what I call The Ave Complex. That's long and complicated, though, and I'm tired. And I've only been up for twelve hours or so. It's nearly one now, since I keep switching between this and other things, so I should go to bed. G'Night, and hopefully I'll update on Monday. We'll see, eh?
--Ave, off to sleep and feeling much better
Twelve am.
On a Sunday morning.
-----------
Remember how I said that I was leaving for a while? Well, thanks to a thing that happened, I came back early. But that doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at them.
And I'm only pissed at them because of Thorn.
So it all comes back to Thorn. Because whenever someone mentions her I want to punch something. What I hate more, though, is that they're all like, "Oh yeah Ave's here don't talk about it! She's gonna get pissed!" I hate that. So much. So freaking much.
This really does make me sound bitchy. But it's the truth and I have no reason to lie and pretend I'm fine on my own blog.
Because I have only a few things truly keeping me miserable, and the main thing is that I can't get the hell away from her. I'm sick of it, really. Sick of it. There's no escaping it; no matter what the hell I do the only way to get away is to leave all of the other friends I've made on fanfiction. And there's no way I'm letting this ruin my entire online life. It's not worth it. So I have to put up with it or--or--there is no or. I have to put up with it, period. Unless I want to leave, but I've already said leaving isn't an option.
It is solidified in my mind that no one leaves forever. This was truly proven when Cara came back on Thursday. I think it was Thursday. All of the days are just melting together in my mind. But I'm pretty sure it was Thursday. Cara had been gone for months, but she's come back (this was a very happy occasion *smiles*). And that really proves that no one ever leaves for real. I mean, I still expect Rachel to come back one day, even to just pop in and visit. Gabi is gone for real, but that's mostly because she was just never so close with lots of us in the first place, I think. And so I know that even if I did leave, I, too, would be back. It might be a few days or a week or a month or even months before I did, but I would come back. I know it. I love them all too much. They are my second family.
Another thing messing it all up: Homework. Too much of it. And I know I should spend more time on it and actually study, but I don't. I should. And I will. Soon. I swear.
I'm really worried about Des. She's not doing so great lately. Today we spent an hour on Skype call and talked about pointless things and it was awesome, but now she's kind of worrying, really, about everything. And I feel so bad for her. More than anything I wish that I could actually hug her, instead of just typing the word. But I can't. This, I hate. I'd elaborate but this is really not something I have any right to announce to the Internet.
I am failing at completing any of the tasks on the Schedule Schedule. The Schedule Schedule is the schedule I compiled so that I may complete my first schedule in time, although I know I won't. So tomorrow I am chained to that, and I can't go online tomorrow.
And something that I really have issues with keeps pestering me too. According to my doctor, I need to drink more fluids and go to the bathroom more often. This is actually more challenging than it would seem. Moving on . . .
NaNo has turned into my own personal prison. Every free minute is NaNo planning now, it seems, and I've hit a major plot hole. Because it needs more action and is going to fail, and at this point I want to work on another original plot bunny I have. But I can't, and I have to turn the one I have into something good. So I guess I will, then. Let's see how that goes . . .
I honestly don't know what keeps me going lately. No clue at all. My bestie and I aren't talking so much, and so it's . . . strange, really. She's more of an outdoors person who loves the summer and being outside. I am a fall/winter person who would rather be curled up inside reading or writing or on the computer. Don't ask me how we get along. We just . . . do. We've grown apart yet stuck together somehow, and we just have to find a bit of common ground first. The only problem? We're opposites.
School is in no way encouraging me, since everything is simply demanding and I can't slack off there; and at home I can't slack off since I have so much to do. So I'm busy. Yet not doing anything. It sucks.
Often enough I feel like two separate people. There's the me I am around my friends, and the one I am online, and the one I am around strangers, the one I am when I'm at home, the one I am when I'm by myself; the list goes on and on. It'll make sense if I ever get around to explaining what I call The Ave Complex. That's long and complicated, though, and I'm tired. And I've only been up for twelve hours or so. It's nearly one now, since I keep switching between this and other things, so I should go to bed. G'Night, and hopefully I'll update on Monday. We'll see, eh?
--Ave, off to sleep and feeling much better
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Abandonment
I'm out.
For a while.
A few days, a week, two, who knows. Either way, I'm sick of this.
And so, for once, I shall blatantly state it for all the world with internet access to see.
I'm sick of Thorn. I'm sick of hearing about her. I'm sick of her showing up and everyone fawning over her. But I have no right to make them STFU. So I'm gone.
Because I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.
Back whenever.
For a while.
A few days, a week, two, who knows. Either way, I'm sick of this.
And so, for once, I shall blatantly state it for all the world with internet access to see.
I'm sick of Thorn. I'm sick of hearing about her. I'm sick of her showing up and everyone fawning over her. But I have no right to make them STFU. So I'm gone.
Because I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.
Back whenever.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
NaNo Takes Over
September 15th, 2010
9:30 pm.
On a Wednesday night.
------------------
Nothing much has happened in the past few days.
That is bad, by the way.
And so why am I updating now? I shouldn't be. I have to do math homework and study and then catch up on NaNo character profiles--that's right, not planning itself. That I am actually caught up on (but tomorrow's Thursday, and so I have to do two more hours then). So, basically, I am really hating NaNo right now. It's taking over. Although, really, there's no space for it to take over. It's not allowed.
Yes, I know this makes no sense. Oh well.
Either way, once we get to Saturday this current schedule is through with. That is bad because I have to do three and a half character profiles and then tomorrow's NaNo planning for two hours and then Friday's OTP (multi-chapter fic) plotting, which is for one hour, but I have another hour of OTP work from Saturday to do.
So of course I have also decided that I have to take Saturday off.
The reason? I haven't been reading enough. This may sound weird. Oh well. Either way, I've realized that I spend so much time on the computer or plotting or, god forbid, writing, that I never really read properly anymore. So I am taking Saturday off. Kinda. See, I can't take the whole day off; I told Desy I would attempt to Skype call her on Saturday night. But I shall take the morning off and simply read and reacquaint myself with my DVR. It misses me.
Anyways, news of the good sort: Kayla and Reese and Jess have been online a lot lately. This is good news, for those of you who are ignorant.
And also, people have been asking me about Thorn a lot. Why do I find the need to say this? Because I, being me, have decided to rant. Of course. What else would I do?
People keep asking about it. Honestly, I have no idea how to truly answer them on it. When you get down to it, I instigated the final fight. But all that happened between fights was us just not talking; there was no regularity where we actually talked. And honestly, there was something in me that was just sick of it all. And just hated it. Most of all, that something wanted it to be over. It got its wish. In the beginning, though (I've been thinking a lot about this), we only became friends because people decided we were so similar and lumped us together. I liked this in the beginning. I felt like I belonged. And now, nearly five months after I made my first appearance on Theia's forum, and then later on Have you give up yet? on Honest's forum, I realized that I don't need to cling to someone to feel like I belong. I belong in my own right now, as presumptuous as that may sound. At least, I feel as though I belong in my own right. And that's good enough.
I know that that makes it sound as though I used Thorn as a security blanket, and never really cared. But what people won't realize is that I cared about her, a lot, no matter what. It just feels like she back stabbed me, kind of, and hung me out to dry. Her leaving was not abrupt. She hadn't truly been online since June. And so her not being around was normal. Me not talking to her was normal. I've heard her own opinions on this, but this is honestly how I've been thinking of it for two months, more: she hasn't been acting like the same person. She wasn't, to me, anything like that person I met in April. I don't know how other people think of this, but this is how I see it. And I don't think I could ever really go back to that.
For two months I pretended it was fine when it wasn't. I pretended to be normal when I was having breakdowns every other day and wrote god knows how many rants that I wanted to say to her, to everyone. Rants I wanted to shout from the rooftops so that it would finally be over with and the pieces could be picked up and reassembled and this time, we'd be fine, we'd be normal again.
Only at this point, we could never be normal again. Ever.
And on September the second--I pretend not to know the date, but I have it memorized--I finally snapped. At this point I had been thinking that I could just kind of not talk to her for a while until I sorted it all out and knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make this work and be her "twin" again. But then I just snapped. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted it through. Done and over with. I was going to tell her exactly what I thought, and if we parted ways in the end and never spoke again, or if we talked it out and were best friends, I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it over with. Truthfully, I never thought it wouldn't work out.
But it didn't. And so we exchanged our harsh words and then she decided she was leaving. So, like that, she left. I stayed. I know that I could never really leave. That's a fact; I just care about everyone too much. The day she decided she was leaving, I was fine. Friday, the day after that? That day sucked.
So I had a breakdown. At that point, as I said, I was having breakdowns three, four times a week. This one was bad. In said breakdown, I basically blamed myself for everything and was confused and cried a bunch. I felt bad about it.
And I don't feel so bad about it now. She left to "get her life back", or something of the sort. And she can do that. Honestly, it's better to not have to worry about that. But I don't feel like it's over. This seems like, to me, a sort of downtime, and something else is going to happen. Something explosive. Because I believe that no one leaves the Veritas forever. No one. It doesn't happen. And so I have a feeling she'll be back, and we'll both learn to cross that bridge when we get to it.
So that's it. Kind of. And the truth is, I honestly am angry at her right now. Can I really blame her for what happened? No. The final fight was my fault. But I was angry at her about something, and that's what led up to it. I still don't regret it. Nevertheless, I still wonder what would have happened if it turned out just a bit differently. Because right now, when someone mentions her or Vengeance I get that sick feeling again. I'm just sick of it. Because as much as I want it to be the past, I can't let go. Not just yet. In the end this is going to lead to something, because I know for a fact she's not gone forever. The real reason I think I'm mad at her is basically that she left. That she didn't care about us enough to stay. That apparently we're not worth it.
It's bullshit. Because you can make time for us. Reese does it, damn it. And she does everything (every activity, that is). And so if you leave us, it's because, once more, you didn't care enough to make it work so that you could stay, even if it was just popping in once every three days or so.
And this leads me to a final conclusion of:
1) She doesn't care
2) Ranting feels good
3) I have way too much crap to get done to stay here ranting. Math homework, here I come...*sighs*
--Ave, ever adamant, yet confuzzled, and with math homework to do
PS--That rant was most likely repetitive and made no sense. Too bad.
9:30 pm.
On a Wednesday night.
------------------
Nothing much has happened in the past few days.
That is bad, by the way.
And so why am I updating now? I shouldn't be. I have to do math homework and study and then catch up on NaNo character profiles--that's right, not planning itself. That I am actually caught up on (but tomorrow's Thursday, and so I have to do two more hours then). So, basically, I am really hating NaNo right now. It's taking over. Although, really, there's no space for it to take over. It's not allowed.
Yes, I know this makes no sense. Oh well.
Either way, once we get to Saturday this current schedule is through with. That is bad because I have to do three and a half character profiles and then tomorrow's NaNo planning for two hours and then Friday's OTP (multi-chapter fic) plotting, which is for one hour, but I have another hour of OTP work from Saturday to do.
So of course I have also decided that I have to take Saturday off.
The reason? I haven't been reading enough. This may sound weird. Oh well. Either way, I've realized that I spend so much time on the computer or plotting or, god forbid, writing, that I never really read properly anymore. So I am taking Saturday off. Kinda. See, I can't take the whole day off; I told Desy I would attempt to Skype call her on Saturday night. But I shall take the morning off and simply read and reacquaint myself with my DVR. It misses me.
Anyways, news of the good sort: Kayla and Reese and Jess have been online a lot lately. This is good news, for those of you who are ignorant.
And also, people have been asking me about Thorn a lot. Why do I find the need to say this? Because I, being me, have decided to rant. Of course. What else would I do?
People keep asking about it. Honestly, I have no idea how to truly answer them on it. When you get down to it, I instigated the final fight. But all that happened between fights was us just not talking; there was no regularity where we actually talked. And honestly, there was something in me that was just sick of it all. And just hated it. Most of all, that something wanted it to be over. It got its wish. In the beginning, though (I've been thinking a lot about this), we only became friends because people decided we were so similar and lumped us together. I liked this in the beginning. I felt like I belonged. And now, nearly five months after I made my first appearance on Theia's forum, and then later on Have you give up yet? on Honest's forum, I realized that I don't need to cling to someone to feel like I belong. I belong in my own right now, as presumptuous as that may sound. At least, I feel as though I belong in my own right. And that's good enough.
I know that that makes it sound as though I used Thorn as a security blanket, and never really cared. But what people won't realize is that I cared about her, a lot, no matter what. It just feels like she back stabbed me, kind of, and hung me out to dry. Her leaving was not abrupt. She hadn't truly been online since June. And so her not being around was normal. Me not talking to her was normal. I've heard her own opinions on this, but this is honestly how I've been thinking of it for two months, more: she hasn't been acting like the same person. She wasn't, to me, anything like that person I met in April. I don't know how other people think of this, but this is how I see it. And I don't think I could ever really go back to that.
For two months I pretended it was fine when it wasn't. I pretended to be normal when I was having breakdowns every other day and wrote god knows how many rants that I wanted to say to her, to everyone. Rants I wanted to shout from the rooftops so that it would finally be over with and the pieces could be picked up and reassembled and this time, we'd be fine, we'd be normal again.
Only at this point, we could never be normal again. Ever.
And on September the second--I pretend not to know the date, but I have it memorized--I finally snapped. At this point I had been thinking that I could just kind of not talk to her for a while until I sorted it all out and knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make this work and be her "twin" again. But then I just snapped. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted it through. Done and over with. I was going to tell her exactly what I thought, and if we parted ways in the end and never spoke again, or if we talked it out and were best friends, I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it over with. Truthfully, I never thought it wouldn't work out.
But it didn't. And so we exchanged our harsh words and then she decided she was leaving. So, like that, she left. I stayed. I know that I could never really leave. That's a fact; I just care about everyone too much. The day she decided she was leaving, I was fine. Friday, the day after that? That day sucked.
So I had a breakdown. At that point, as I said, I was having breakdowns three, four times a week. This one was bad. In said breakdown, I basically blamed myself for everything and was confused and cried a bunch. I felt bad about it.
And I don't feel so bad about it now. She left to "get her life back", or something of the sort. And she can do that. Honestly, it's better to not have to worry about that. But I don't feel like it's over. This seems like, to me, a sort of downtime, and something else is going to happen. Something explosive. Because I believe that no one leaves the Veritas forever. No one. It doesn't happen. And so I have a feeling she'll be back, and we'll both learn to cross that bridge when we get to it.
So that's it. Kind of. And the truth is, I honestly am angry at her right now. Can I really blame her for what happened? No. The final fight was my fault. But I was angry at her about something, and that's what led up to it. I still don't regret it. Nevertheless, I still wonder what would have happened if it turned out just a bit differently. Because right now, when someone mentions her or Vengeance I get that sick feeling again. I'm just sick of it. Because as much as I want it to be the past, I can't let go. Not just yet. In the end this is going to lead to something, because I know for a fact she's not gone forever. The real reason I think I'm mad at her is basically that she left. That she didn't care about us enough to stay. That apparently we're not worth it.
It's bullshit. Because you can make time for us. Reese does it, damn it. And she does everything (every activity, that is). And so if you leave us, it's because, once more, you didn't care enough to make it work so that you could stay, even if it was just popping in once every three days or so.
And this leads me to a final conclusion of:
1) She doesn't care
2) Ranting feels good
3) I have way too much crap to get done to stay here ranting. Math homework, here I come...*sighs*
--Ave, ever adamant, yet confuzzled, and with math homework to do
PS--That rant was most likely repetitive and made no sense. Too bad.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Ave Has Been Forced to Update. Yay?
September 10th, 2010
10:10 pm.
On a Friday night.
------------------------
ANYWAYS.
Now that that is done.
I am tired and I want to sleep and I really shouldn't be updating this because I have to do NaNo stuff and I need to sleep and stuffs, but I also need to update this. Ignore the following run-on sentences like the one above, along with the excessive use of caps and many typos. My x key fails...And I haven't gotten to update in forever, so I should.
MOVING ON NOW.
Tomorrow I must finish a oneshot. I may or may not; fifty-fifty chance right now. Flipping back to Wednesday now.
Honestly, I don't remember so much of Wednesday. That means it was good, I guess. So we continue the wonderful story of my life on to Thursday.
Thursday was average, but I got a load of homework. So as soon as I got home, I dawdled for nearly an hour and then started working on homework. I was still doing this at a bit past five. When I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, it was ten-thirty pm. So I was tired. As tired as I am right now. Worse, even, if that's possible, which I guess it must be. Then I woke up and had to actually finish all my work, so I lugged my binders and textbooks and folders downstairs and settled myself on the couch. The only downside to this all was that I had to use the computer for English homework, and so I had to start it up and log on and so Skype started up, and so I got in a conversation with Des, which was nice but not good for me going to sleep and getting homework done. Which I did in the end. Then Desy fell asleep on me. *glares, then stops*
OH WAIT I REMEMBER WEDNESDAY NOW.
Okay, so the main part of Wednesday was one big problem. The problem goes by the name of contact lenses. My eyes were too dry when I put them in, and the lenses were too dry. They did not properly stick to my eye, and everything was blurry and stuffs. By the middle of the school day, me sitting next to a window or fan in nearly every class had resulted in uber dry lenses and my near blindness. Whenever I blinked, everything was blurry. So then I got to lunch. I figured I would eat and then run to my locker and put in eye drops I had in my bag. But of course, this wonderful plan didn't work, with my luck.
Because as I was eating, I blinked the freaking lens out. *fumes*
So then I got permission and left lunch and went to my locker and got the case and my contact solution, and went to the bathroom. Multiple times I tried to poke it in and couldn't make it stay. Then, next thing I know, the other one falls out. Onto the filthy public restroom floor. So then I just put them in the case and put on my glasses for the rest of the day. And that was my Wednesday.
And my Thursday is up there.
My Friday? It was...normal. Good. Nice. Fun, even. I liked it.
EXCEPT NOW I AM PANICKING.
Due to yesterday's sleeping, the schedule is failing. Tomorrow I must finish Hence, My Domain. MUST. Or else bad things happen. Bad things. And I have to catch up on an hour and a half of NaNo planning. And now a character profile I was supposed to do today. And an extra half hour for NaNo from Monday.
I FAIL.
And you know what else I need to do? Watch Miracle. I need to. NEED. Don't ask why. *shrugs*
Also, tomorrow I am supposed to do an hour of OTP planning. Homework due Monday as well, though not as much. And sleep. Must sleep. Lots.
Basically:
1) Two hours of NaNo planning
2) Hence, My Domain
3) One hour of OTP planning
4) Character Profiles
5) Homework
6) Studying
7) Watch Miracle
In that order.
So now my to-do list has a to-do list to getting it done. *shrugs*
--Ave, tired and having oh-so-much to do
10:10 pm.
On a Friday night.
------------------------
ANYWAYS.
Now that that is done.
I am tired and I want to sleep and I really shouldn't be updating this because I have to do NaNo stuff and I need to sleep and stuffs, but I also need to update this. Ignore the following run-on sentences like the one above, along with the excessive use of caps and many typos. My x key fails...And I haven't gotten to update in forever, so I should.
MOVING ON NOW.
Tomorrow I must finish a oneshot. I may or may not; fifty-fifty chance right now. Flipping back to Wednesday now.
Honestly, I don't remember so much of Wednesday. That means it was good, I guess. So we continue the wonderful story of my life on to Thursday.
Thursday was average, but I got a load of homework. So as soon as I got home, I dawdled for nearly an hour and then started working on homework. I was still doing this at a bit past five. When I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, it was ten-thirty pm. So I was tired. As tired as I am right now. Worse, even, if that's possible, which I guess it must be. Then I woke up and had to actually finish all my work, so I lugged my binders and textbooks and folders downstairs and settled myself on the couch. The only downside to this all was that I had to use the computer for English homework, and so I had to start it up and log on and so Skype started up, and so I got in a conversation with Des, which was nice but not good for me going to sleep and getting homework done. Which I did in the end. Then Desy fell asleep on me. *glares, then stops*
OH WAIT I REMEMBER WEDNESDAY NOW.
Okay, so the main part of Wednesday was one big problem. The problem goes by the name of contact lenses. My eyes were too dry when I put them in, and the lenses were too dry. They did not properly stick to my eye, and everything was blurry and stuffs. By the middle of the school day, me sitting next to a window or fan in nearly every class had resulted in uber dry lenses and my near blindness. Whenever I blinked, everything was blurry. So then I got to lunch. I figured I would eat and then run to my locker and put in eye drops I had in my bag. But of course, this wonderful plan didn't work, with my luck.
Because as I was eating, I blinked the freaking lens out. *fumes*
So then I got permission and left lunch and went to my locker and got the case and my contact solution, and went to the bathroom. Multiple times I tried to poke it in and couldn't make it stay. Then, next thing I know, the other one falls out. Onto the filthy public restroom floor. So then I just put them in the case and put on my glasses for the rest of the day. And that was my Wednesday.
And my Thursday is up there.
My Friday? It was...normal. Good. Nice. Fun, even. I liked it.
EXCEPT NOW I AM PANICKING.
Due to yesterday's sleeping, the schedule is failing. Tomorrow I must finish Hence, My Domain. MUST. Or else bad things happen. Bad things. And I have to catch up on an hour and a half of NaNo planning. And now a character profile I was supposed to do today. And an extra half hour for NaNo from Monday.
I FAIL.
And you know what else I need to do? Watch Miracle. I need to. NEED. Don't ask why. *shrugs*
Also, tomorrow I am supposed to do an hour of OTP planning. Homework due Monday as well, though not as much. And sleep. Must sleep. Lots.
Basically:
1) Two hours of NaNo planning
2) Hence, My Domain
3) One hour of OTP planning
4) Character Profiles
5) Homework
6) Studying
7) Watch Miracle
In that order.
So now my to-do list has a to-do list to getting it done. *shrugs*
--Ave, tired and having oh-so-much to do
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
An Actual Update
September 7th, 2010
9:08 pm.
On a Tuesday night.
---------
Today was the first day of school. Not all my classes were the greatest. I expected this. But only one is truly horrendous.
Spanish, which last year sucked, this year promises to be semi-good. I know barely anyone in my ELA class, but I do have one friend in there who I can work with on stuff, so I'm good. My math class . . . on this topic I have many opinions. The class is jam packed full of people. There are a ton of us, and honestly, I can't remember most of them. Some I don't like. One is one of my best friends in the entire world. Some are nice, some are cool, some I could take or leave. They're a wild card, but with the course we're taking this year, I expect us to really be working on a lot and for me to not have time to be concerned who's actually in the class.
Science is the only class I am truly sorta dreading. I don't know a lot of people, and even though aforementioned close best friend is in that class, there are also a lot of people I don't like that are also in that class. Science also promises to be tough, though, so I would think we could just really focus on that and the people wouldn't matter. Except this teacher is kind of a goof and I have the feeling it may matter. *worries* But I always have my bestie of sorts . . .
Gym and lunch are awesome. Yes, me liking gym! It's amazing! But it's more of me liking the people there *coughBESTIEcough*. And my lunch involves all four of my besties, although since one is of the male gender he doesn't like sitting with us in front of his idiotic friends. *rolls eyes* But I don't blame him. At my school, if a boy and a girl are seen together it is assumed that this is because they are dating. So he gets let off the hook.
After lunch I have some sort of home ec class with the fourth of my besties (the only class we've ever been in together besides lunch) and that seems okay. Then the horror known as science. And so forth. Any classes I didn't cover?
HISTORY. That's what. *smacks self* My history class is . . . truth be told, I also know next to none of them. And the two I have been put in a group with I do not like, and they do not seem to want to put any effort into anything. *prays for seat change soon* I mean, there are select people in the class I even know (although most of those I would sit with), let alone that I consider friends. So this year shall be interesting, although the teacher (who is also very strict, so we may spend more time focusing on the work then other stuff with my annoying peers *prays*) already likes me because I am the only one in the class, and apparently all day, who knew that Fort Sumter was the first battle of the American Civil War. *has party*
So, moving on from school.
The schedule is doing good. I have to catch up on half an hour of NaNo planning, though. Working on the plot, that is. The to-do list I made earlier is complete, and after this all I have to do is make a character profile. This may sound like something I can not achieve in an hour, but I think I can, considering that I mostly have to make up the character's history and bits of personality and maybe a few things he did often and liked, since I kill him off right in the beginning. And if I have to I'm staying up until eleven. I just need to stay on track with this schedule and sleep later. Not now. If I have to stay up until two am tonight to get this thing done, I swear I will. But I know it won't take that long. *happiness*
Either way, the schedule is on track, as long as I finish HMD tomorrow, which I think I will. Hopefully. So tomorrow I can not be lazy when I get home like I was today. And make up that half hour or so of NaNo planning, which I can do. Easily. See, I can get the schedule done on time. I know I am capable of it. I just can't procrastinate. This is something I must learn. Well.
And that is it for now, I think. Just as soon as a make yet another list.
Things Ave Has to Get Done on Wednesday
1) Homework, if any
2) Get school supplies that are still needed
3) Finish HMD
4) One half hour of NaNoWriMo planning
5) Another character profile
See, this can easily be done. If I apply myself. Which I will.
--Ave, who is making herself conform to the schedule for once
9:08 pm.
On a Tuesday night.
---------
Today was the first day of school. Not all my classes were the greatest. I expected this. But only one is truly horrendous.
Spanish, which last year sucked, this year promises to be semi-good. I know barely anyone in my ELA class, but I do have one friend in there who I can work with on stuff, so I'm good. My math class . . . on this topic I have many opinions. The class is jam packed full of people. There are a ton of us, and honestly, I can't remember most of them. Some I don't like. One is one of my best friends in the entire world. Some are nice, some are cool, some I could take or leave. They're a wild card, but with the course we're taking this year, I expect us to really be working on a lot and for me to not have time to be concerned who's actually in the class.
Science is the only class I am truly sorta dreading. I don't know a lot of people, and even though aforementioned close best friend is in that class, there are also a lot of people I don't like that are also in that class. Science also promises to be tough, though, so I would think we could just really focus on that and the people wouldn't matter. Except this teacher is kind of a goof and I have the feeling it may matter. *worries* But I always have my bestie of sorts . . .
Gym and lunch are awesome. Yes, me liking gym! It's amazing! But it's more of me liking the people there *coughBESTIEcough*. And my lunch involves all four of my besties, although since one is of the male gender he doesn't like sitting with us in front of his idiotic friends. *rolls eyes* But I don't blame him. At my school, if a boy and a girl are seen together it is assumed that this is because they are dating. So he gets let off the hook.
After lunch I have some sort of home ec class with the fourth of my besties (the only class we've ever been in together besides lunch) and that seems okay. Then the horror known as science. And so forth. Any classes I didn't cover?
HISTORY. That's what. *smacks self* My history class is . . . truth be told, I also know next to none of them. And the two I have been put in a group with I do not like, and they do not seem to want to put any effort into anything. *prays for seat change soon* I mean, there are select people in the class I even know (although most of those I would sit with), let alone that I consider friends. So this year shall be interesting, although the teacher (who is also very strict, so we may spend more time focusing on the work then other stuff with my annoying peers *prays*) already likes me because I am the only one in the class, and apparently all day, who knew that Fort Sumter was the first battle of the American Civil War. *has party*
So, moving on from school.
The schedule is doing good. I have to catch up on half an hour of NaNo planning, though. Working on the plot, that is. The to-do list I made earlier is complete, and after this all I have to do is make a character profile. This may sound like something I can not achieve in an hour, but I think I can, considering that I mostly have to make up the character's history and bits of personality and maybe a few things he did often and liked, since I kill him off right in the beginning. And if I have to I'm staying up until eleven. I just need to stay on track with this schedule and sleep later. Not now. If I have to stay up until two am tonight to get this thing done, I swear I will. But I know it won't take that long. *happiness*
Either way, the schedule is on track, as long as I finish HMD tomorrow, which I think I will. Hopefully. So tomorrow I can not be lazy when I get home like I was today. And make up that half hour or so of NaNo planning, which I can do. Easily. See, I can get the schedule done on time. I know I am capable of it. I just can't procrastinate. This is something I must learn. Well.
And that is it for now, I think. Just as soon as a make yet another list.
Things Ave Has to Get Done on Wednesday
1) Homework, if any
2) Get school supplies that are still needed
3) Finish HMD
4) One half hour of NaNoWriMo planning
5) Another character profile
See, this can easily be done. If I apply myself. Which I will.
--Ave, who is making herself conform to the schedule for once
Procrastinaton, You're Dead. Deal with It.
I really want to find the person and stab them through their neck with a fork.
But I can't. For three main reasons:
1) I don't know exactly where they live.
2) Murder is bad, and gets me arrested.
3) I have to much other shit to get done and no time to spare to kill them
Sadly enough, three is the main reason. In fact, I have so much to get done that I'm just updating this quickly while MS Word starts up, and then once I work on H,MD, I'll write another post. So in an hour or so.
Before I go to bed tonight I have to:
Update this, and actually update, not just this.
Shower.
Work on HMD.
Do a character profile for NaNo.
Get everything ready for school tomorrow.
Do history homework, which is brief.
And if I'm lucky, I get to do some other planning for NaNo, for the plot.
I will get all of this done. If I do not, I will not sleep. And I still have two more hours on the computer. But no more BS. And I have to stick to that damn schedule I made. Otherwise, I'm screwed.
No more procrastination. Until Sunday after next, I will not procrastinate. I swear it.
--Ave, who shall be back later
But I can't. For three main reasons:
1) I don't know exactly where they live.
2) Murder is bad, and gets me arrested.
3) I have to much other shit to get done and no time to spare to kill them
Sadly enough, three is the main reason. In fact, I have so much to get done that I'm just updating this quickly while MS Word starts up, and then once I work on H,MD, I'll write another post. So in an hour or so.
Before I go to bed tonight I have to:
Update this, and actually update, not just this.
Shower.
Work on HMD.
Do a character profile for NaNo.
Get everything ready for school tomorrow.
Do history homework, which is brief.
And if I'm lucky, I get to do some other planning for NaNo, for the plot.
I will get all of this done. If I do not, I will not sleep. And I still have two more hours on the computer. But no more BS. And I have to stick to that damn schedule I made. Otherwise, I'm screwed.
No more procrastination. Until Sunday after next, I will not procrastinate. I swear it.
--Ave, who shall be back later
Monday, September 6, 2010
Ave Gives Movie Reviews Now
September 6th, 2010
Nine-thirty am.
On a Monday. Labor Day, to be exact.
------------------------
Des has instructed me that I need to update this thing more. And here I was thinking I updated often enough. *pats Des, wherever she is*
So, since I'm updating, I might as well worry a lot, eh?
Last day of summer vacation. *sobs into doggy, since her pillow is upstairs*
I spent last night intensively studying my schedule and pinpointing where each and every one of my classrooms is on my mental map of the school. *remembers her first day last year, when she got lost and couldn't remember where her math room was and was the last person there* Luckily, they turn bells off on the first day. *does happy dance* So...hopefully it will not be noticed if I'm a bit late, although I don't expect to be. And maybe I'll feel better after first period, since I'm with one of my besties. *hopes* Although I did spend ten minutes last night trying to figure out if they would mind if I brought my lunch to gym because I have gym right before lunch and my locker is on the other end of the school, and I don't want to be late to lunch. These are the stupid things I worry about.
Anyways, yesterday I spent three hours watching The Patriot, and it has earned a spot on my favorite movies list, right next to Gladiator. Because it's special.
And so, since I also promised Des it would be a long post (although I'm being kicked off the computer -__________________-) I shall now explain to my 2.4 readers the entire plot of the movie and my opinions on most every scene.
So, in the beginning of the movie there's this guy, Benjamin Martin, played by Mel Gibson, who lives in South Carolina, and the American Revolution is about to start, but he wants to keep the peace and doesn't want a war. He also fought in the French and Indian War and was a hero of Fort Wilderness, although the don't explain this to you until, like, two hours later. Anyways, he has seven kids and his wife is dead, most likely due to giving birth to those seven kids. This is the part where I jump away from the plot to point something out. Mel Gibson? He may be a terrible person and whatnot *can't remember what he did that was bad but knows it was bad* but he is a damn good actor. Seriously. Back to the plot now.
Either way, his kids are extremely hard to keep track of at times (one of them never does anything, but he's four-ish, so that's excused) but given that six of them play kinda important roles to the story, we'll go through them all. First is Gabriel, who's eighteen, methinks, and played by Heath Ledger (before he died, that is *sheds tear*). He signs up for the Continental (Patriot) Army and is basically the reason all this crap happens to his family, but he's still an awesome character, even though it took me about an hour to actually like his character and ignore the fact that he dragged his family into the war with his foolishness. After Gabriel is Thomas, whom I liked; he's fifteen. And then there's Nathan, who is awesome in the scene he's in, and he's probably thirteen. And then there's Margaret (I think . . . her name's something like that). Now she doesn't exactly do much, but she's there for a good chunk of the movie, in the background. So she's somewhere between ten and twelve. *thinks she's twelve* But I fail at guessing ages. Although I think she's older or around the same age as Samuel, who I would pin at eleven. And then there's William, who's . . . young-ish, maybe five. He's the one of no importance. After him is Susan, who's maybe three, and never talks. And that's all of them, methinks (and their ages are guessed from the scenes that take place in 1780).
So, anyways, Gabriel/Heath Ledger (that is an awesome name . . . *steals name to use in story, at least the Heath part*) signs up to join the Continental Army after they have a meeting thing of the council or something of the sort about if South Carolina should sign the Declaration of Independence. This extremely annoys his dad, who does not want war, and is part of the council, actually. They decided to sign the Declaration, by the way. Anyways, *is skipping minuscule events and four years* (also, in those four years Charleston falls to the British, etc.) next thing you know he's showing up at their house, (somehow they are rich, no idea how, but they have a huge house), wounded, and carrying messages for his army.
So then, the next day, there's a huge skirmish right on their land and there's a whole load of wounded soldiers afterwards. They care for both the Continental and Loyalist soldiers, and the guy in charge of the Loyalist soldiers thanks him. Then the guy in charge of him shows up, and has all the wounded Continentals killed. I never learned his name, and to me he's simply Malfoy's dad, which he gets for playing him in Harry Potter. Anyways, once he figures out that there were Patriot dispatches in their house, which Gabriel left there, and he decides that now they are going to keep Gabriel as a prisoner and then hang him without trial. Then they take Gabriel and burn their freaking house down. But first, Thomas tries to go save his brother, he's doing pretty damn good. Until Malfoy's dad freaking shoots him in the chest and he dies in Mel Gibson/Ben's arms.
Now, Ben/Mel Gibson is more worried about his son being taken and Thomas being dead then his freaking house burning down with all his worldly possessions inside, although this is understandable, because Thomas is dead and he was awesome. Moving on. So as the house burning, Ben goes back inside. And what does he get? Weapons. Guns and axes/tomahawks and the like. And then he hands one rifle to each Samuel and Nathan (here comes the part when they're epic) and then one to Margaret, and tells her to hide in the field with the little kids and run to their aunt's if they're not back by sunset or some other time. Their aunt also owns not one but two huge houses, and has no children or husband, and no indicator as to how she got the gigantic house. Moving on to the part that amazes me.
So, Nathan and Samuel follow their dad, Benjamin/Mel Gibson, through the woods until they have view of the road. He then finds a spot for them to hide so they can shoot the officers as they pass by on the road below. This part really disturbs me. These kids are most likely around eleven and thirteen, and their dad is asking them to kill a whole crap load of people to get their brother back. So then he instructs them to aim for the officers and leaves them to hide a bunch of loaded rifles behind trees so that he can also shoot them more easily. And then they completely massacre twenty officers, although it's more of Ben/Mel Gibson killing people than his kids, which is still a small comfort. After he shoots a couple of them he completely massacres a few with axes. This part is extremely freaky, and it really makes you wonder. That is, until you learn what happened at Fort Wilderness, but that's a long while later.
So, they get Gabriel back after killing only twenty people. *sarcasm* Then they escape back to their aunt's house, and some more stuff happens. Gabriel is bent on returning to the army, even though his brother and father just murdered twenty people for him. I can't get over that. And then Ben decides that he's joining the militia as well.
Anyways, at this time Malfoy's father hears of the attack on the soldiers from one private who was there and survived. When he says it was all one man who did it, Ben is dubbed "the ghost" by them, and Malfoy's dad has a new vendetta against him.
Back to Ben. So, he decides he's joining the army, and figures out that currently the rebel army sucks and Cornwallis, a Loyalist general, basically has nothing keeping him from a direct assault on Washington's troops farther north. Since Mel Gibson/Ben is now a Colonel, he is in charge of organizing a militia that will keep Cornwallis strictly in the South and thus away from obliterating Washington's troops. The French are, at this point, supposed to arrive to help them in six months or so, and so they have to keep Cornwallis where he is until then.
At this point their ragtag militia starts being completely awesome and attacking British supply lines and burning bridges (literally, not metaphorically) and being overall awesome. At one point they steal Cornwallis's personal belongings, including his journal/memoirs and his two Great Danes, named Jupiter and Mars. *snickers* Ben reads his journal and figures that his fatal flaw is pride. They keep him in the south for a subsequent six months, and then Cornwallis blames Malfoy's dad for using unnecessarily cruel tactics in war that reflect badly on him, and that if he hadn't done stupid things like burn houses, then "the ghost" wouldn't exist.
Somewhere along the line, they burn down Aunt Charlotte's house as well, although they get out fine. *doesn't remember the whole thing or when exactly it took place*
Also, at one point Malfoy's dad captures eighteen of Ben's soldiers. So then he rides up to the gates with Cornwallis's Great Danes so that he can negotiate the release of his eighteen men by saying that he has eighteen British officers, and so they arrange a prisoner exchange, in which Ben says he also give them some of Cornwallis's stolen possessions and his dogs back. So they give him his men and he arranges for them to go pick up theirs. Of course, as Ben is leaving, Malfoy's dad shows up and correctly assumes that Ben is "the ghost" although he can't attack him unless he attacks first due to some sort of stupid army etiquette. *rolls eyes* So then he torments him by bringing up Thomas's death. At this point Ben stares him straight in the eye and informs him that before the war is over, he will kill him, and in his true awesomeness, just jumps back on his horse and rides off, somehow not killing Malfoy's father.
Of course, it turns out that the "captured officers" are scarecrows in British army garb. Cornwallis decides to let Malfoy's dad do whatever he deems necessary to stop the militia. *remembers* Oh yeah, and that's when they burn down Aunt Charlotte's house, hoping to find his family. They then escape to some sort of safe place, and are helped there by Gabriel. While they're there he marries his friend from when he was a kid, Anne something.
Then, once the militia has left, after staying there a week, Malfoy's dad gathers everybody in Anne's hometown in the church.
He subsequently burns the church down. Everyone inside dies.
Malfoy's dad is a bastard.
So Gabriel and some of the militia, after discovering that the church was burned down by Malfoy's dad and his men, go hunt them down. In the end, everyone who was there but Malfoy's dad and Gabriel is dead.
Then Gabriel shoots at Malfoy's dad just a split second before it could happen vice versa with him on the receiving end of the bullet. Of course, then it turns out that Malfoy's dad is indeed not mortally wounded, but faking it, and when Gabriel is about to fatally stab him in the back he flips over and stabs Gabriel through the stomach. So now he has killed not one but two of Ben's kids, and the really cool ones too. *sulks*
And when Malfoy's dad stabs Gabriel there were actually tears in my eyes. Because he freaking killed Gabriel. Who, like Thomas, dies in his father's arms. He then apologizes for his aforementioned brother's death, but Ben tells him it was in fact not Gabriel's fault but his own, although I don't think it was either of their faults. Because it's Malfoy's dad's fault. *glares at Malfoy's dad* Because he shot him.
Now this is where the whole thing about Mel Gibson being such a freaking awesome actor comes in. Because I have no idea how anyone fakes that scene he did as Gabriel died. Anyways, then he decides that he simply doesn't want to fight anymore, understandable, and he gives up on the army. Until he looks through Gabriel's stuff and finds a battered American flag, at which point he decides to continue fighting and rides back into the militia's ranks as they are marching, holding the flag. Of course, these things seem to happen only in movies, but it was meaningful nonetheless.
So the next thing you know the Continentals are in another battle, and they use the fact that Cornwallis underestimates the militia against him. However, the troops start losing their spirit and he runs through the ranks carrying the flag again, and they continue fighting. In the end, he gets in a showdown with Malfoy's dad. And he wins. I really am too bored to describe it, so let's just say it was cool, okay? Wait, I have to describe it so I can talk about the cool part. See, they're fighting, and Malfoy's dad has Ben on his knees and is about to kill him, saying that obviously Ben is not the better man. Then the latter ducks and avoids getting killed by Malfoy's dad and stabs the former in the stomach, saying that his sons were better men.
This is the part where I sob over dead characters, because I don't care so much about the ending.
THEY KILLED THOMAS AND GABRIEL. NO. HOW DARE THEY?! *insert rant here*
Anyways, on Saturday night I made a schedule for the next two weeks, and if I stick to it, which is so far so good, I will have all my oneshots done, have finished eight hours of NaNo planning, three hours of OTP planning, and character profiles for the six main characters in my NaNo. All done. In two weeks. It's amazing.
And this blog post is finally done, so I'm off to plan for NaNo.
--Ave, off to plan for NaNo
Nine-thirty am.
On a Monday. Labor Day, to be exact.
------------------------
Des has instructed me that I need to update this thing more. And here I was thinking I updated often enough. *pats Des, wherever she is*
So, since I'm updating, I might as well worry a lot, eh?
Last day of summer vacation. *sobs into doggy, since her pillow is upstairs*
I spent last night intensively studying my schedule and pinpointing where each and every one of my classrooms is on my mental map of the school. *remembers her first day last year, when she got lost and couldn't remember where her math room was and was the last person there* Luckily, they turn bells off on the first day. *does happy dance* So...hopefully it will not be noticed if I'm a bit late, although I don't expect to be. And maybe I'll feel better after first period, since I'm with one of my besties. *hopes* Although I did spend ten minutes last night trying to figure out if they would mind if I brought my lunch to gym because I have gym right before lunch and my locker is on the other end of the school, and I don't want to be late to lunch. These are the stupid things I worry about.
Anyways, yesterday I spent three hours watching The Patriot, and it has earned a spot on my favorite movies list, right next to Gladiator. Because it's special.
And so, since I also promised Des it would be a long post (although I'm being kicked off the computer -__________________-) I shall now explain to my 2.4 readers the entire plot of the movie and my opinions on most every scene.
So, in the beginning of the movie there's this guy, Benjamin Martin, played by Mel Gibson, who lives in South Carolina, and the American Revolution is about to start, but he wants to keep the peace and doesn't want a war. He also fought in the French and Indian War and was a hero of Fort Wilderness, although the don't explain this to you until, like, two hours later. Anyways, he has seven kids and his wife is dead, most likely due to giving birth to those seven kids. This is the part where I jump away from the plot to point something out. Mel Gibson? He may be a terrible person and whatnot *can't remember what he did that was bad but knows it was bad* but he is a damn good actor. Seriously. Back to the plot now.
Either way, his kids are extremely hard to keep track of at times (one of them never does anything, but he's four-ish, so that's excused) but given that six of them play kinda important roles to the story, we'll go through them all. First is Gabriel, who's eighteen, methinks, and played by Heath Ledger (before he died, that is *sheds tear*). He signs up for the Continental (Patriot) Army and is basically the reason all this crap happens to his family, but he's still an awesome character, even though it took me about an hour to actually like his character and ignore the fact that he dragged his family into the war with his foolishness. After Gabriel is Thomas, whom I liked; he's fifteen. And then there's Nathan, who is awesome in the scene he's in, and he's probably thirteen. And then there's Margaret (I think . . . her name's something like that). Now she doesn't exactly do much, but she's there for a good chunk of the movie, in the background. So she's somewhere between ten and twelve. *thinks she's twelve* But I fail at guessing ages. Although I think she's older or around the same age as Samuel, who I would pin at eleven. And then there's William, who's . . . young-ish, maybe five. He's the one of no importance. After him is Susan, who's maybe three, and never talks. And that's all of them, methinks (and their ages are guessed from the scenes that take place in 1780).
So, anyways, Gabriel/Heath Ledger (that is an awesome name . . . *steals name to use in story, at least the Heath part*) signs up to join the Continental Army after they have a meeting thing of the council or something of the sort about if South Carolina should sign the Declaration of Independence. This extremely annoys his dad, who does not want war, and is part of the council, actually. They decided to sign the Declaration, by the way. Anyways, *is skipping minuscule events and four years* (also, in those four years Charleston falls to the British, etc.) next thing you know he's showing up at their house, (somehow they are rich, no idea how, but they have a huge house), wounded, and carrying messages for his army.
So then, the next day, there's a huge skirmish right on their land and there's a whole load of wounded soldiers afterwards. They care for both the Continental and Loyalist soldiers, and the guy in charge of the Loyalist soldiers thanks him. Then the guy in charge of him shows up, and has all the wounded Continentals killed. I never learned his name, and to me he's simply Malfoy's dad, which he gets for playing him in Harry Potter. Anyways, once he figures out that there were Patriot dispatches in their house, which Gabriel left there, and he decides that now they are going to keep Gabriel as a prisoner and then hang him without trial. Then they take Gabriel and burn their freaking house down. But first, Thomas tries to go save his brother, he's doing pretty damn good. Until Malfoy's dad freaking shoots him in the chest and he dies in Mel Gibson/Ben's arms.
Now, Ben/Mel Gibson is more worried about his son being taken and Thomas being dead then his freaking house burning down with all his worldly possessions inside, although this is understandable, because Thomas is dead and he was awesome. Moving on. So as the house burning, Ben goes back inside. And what does he get? Weapons. Guns and axes/tomahawks and the like. And then he hands one rifle to each Samuel and Nathan (here comes the part when they're epic) and then one to Margaret, and tells her to hide in the field with the little kids and run to their aunt's if they're not back by sunset or some other time. Their aunt also owns not one but two huge houses, and has no children or husband, and no indicator as to how she got the gigantic house. Moving on to the part that amazes me.
So, Nathan and Samuel follow their dad, Benjamin/Mel Gibson, through the woods until they have view of the road. He then finds a spot for them to hide so they can shoot the officers as they pass by on the road below. This part really disturbs me. These kids are most likely around eleven and thirteen, and their dad is asking them to kill a whole crap load of people to get their brother back. So then he instructs them to aim for the officers and leaves them to hide a bunch of loaded rifles behind trees so that he can also shoot them more easily. And then they completely massacre twenty officers, although it's more of Ben/Mel Gibson killing people than his kids, which is still a small comfort. After he shoots a couple of them he completely massacres a few with axes. This part is extremely freaky, and it really makes you wonder. That is, until you learn what happened at Fort Wilderness, but that's a long while later.
So, they get Gabriel back after killing only twenty people. *sarcasm* Then they escape back to their aunt's house, and some more stuff happens. Gabriel is bent on returning to the army, even though his brother and father just murdered twenty people for him. I can't get over that. And then Ben decides that he's joining the militia as well.
Anyways, at this time Malfoy's father hears of the attack on the soldiers from one private who was there and survived. When he says it was all one man who did it, Ben is dubbed "the ghost" by them, and Malfoy's dad has a new vendetta against him.
Back to Ben. So, he decides he's joining the army, and figures out that currently the rebel army sucks and Cornwallis, a Loyalist general, basically has nothing keeping him from a direct assault on Washington's troops farther north. Since Mel Gibson/Ben is now a Colonel, he is in charge of organizing a militia that will keep Cornwallis strictly in the South and thus away from obliterating Washington's troops. The French are, at this point, supposed to arrive to help them in six months or so, and so they have to keep Cornwallis where he is until then.
At this point their ragtag militia starts being completely awesome and attacking British supply lines and burning bridges (literally, not metaphorically) and being overall awesome. At one point they steal Cornwallis's personal belongings, including his journal/memoirs and his two Great Danes, named Jupiter and Mars. *snickers* Ben reads his journal and figures that his fatal flaw is pride. They keep him in the south for a subsequent six months, and then Cornwallis blames Malfoy's dad for using unnecessarily cruel tactics in war that reflect badly on him, and that if he hadn't done stupid things like burn houses, then "the ghost" wouldn't exist.
Somewhere along the line, they burn down Aunt Charlotte's house as well, although they get out fine. *doesn't remember the whole thing or when exactly it took place*
Also, at one point Malfoy's dad captures eighteen of Ben's soldiers. So then he rides up to the gates with Cornwallis's Great Danes so that he can negotiate the release of his eighteen men by saying that he has eighteen British officers, and so they arrange a prisoner exchange, in which Ben says he also give them some of Cornwallis's stolen possessions and his dogs back. So they give him his men and he arranges for them to go pick up theirs. Of course, as Ben is leaving, Malfoy's dad shows up and correctly assumes that Ben is "the ghost" although he can't attack him unless he attacks first due to some sort of stupid army etiquette. *rolls eyes* So then he torments him by bringing up Thomas's death. At this point Ben stares him straight in the eye and informs him that before the war is over, he will kill him, and in his true awesomeness, just jumps back on his horse and rides off, somehow not killing Malfoy's father.
Of course, it turns out that the "captured officers" are scarecrows in British army garb. Cornwallis decides to let Malfoy's dad do whatever he deems necessary to stop the militia. *remembers* Oh yeah, and that's when they burn down Aunt Charlotte's house, hoping to find his family. They then escape to some sort of safe place, and are helped there by Gabriel. While they're there he marries his friend from when he was a kid, Anne something.
Then, once the militia has left, after staying there a week, Malfoy's dad gathers everybody in Anne's hometown in the church.
He subsequently burns the church down. Everyone inside dies.
Malfoy's dad is a bastard.
So Gabriel and some of the militia, after discovering that the church was burned down by Malfoy's dad and his men, go hunt them down. In the end, everyone who was there but Malfoy's dad and Gabriel is dead.
Then Gabriel shoots at Malfoy's dad just a split second before it could happen vice versa with him on the receiving end of the bullet. Of course, then it turns out that Malfoy's dad is indeed not mortally wounded, but faking it, and when Gabriel is about to fatally stab him in the back he flips over and stabs Gabriel through the stomach. So now he has killed not one but two of Ben's kids, and the really cool ones too. *sulks*
And when Malfoy's dad stabs Gabriel there were actually tears in my eyes. Because he freaking killed Gabriel. Who, like Thomas, dies in his father's arms. He then apologizes for his aforementioned brother's death, but Ben tells him it was in fact not Gabriel's fault but his own, although I don't think it was either of their faults. Because it's Malfoy's dad's fault. *glares at Malfoy's dad* Because he shot him.
Now this is where the whole thing about Mel Gibson being such a freaking awesome actor comes in. Because I have no idea how anyone fakes that scene he did as Gabriel died. Anyways, then he decides that he simply doesn't want to fight anymore, understandable, and he gives up on the army. Until he looks through Gabriel's stuff and finds a battered American flag, at which point he decides to continue fighting and rides back into the militia's ranks as they are marching, holding the flag. Of course, these things seem to happen only in movies, but it was meaningful nonetheless.
So the next thing you know the Continentals are in another battle, and they use the fact that Cornwallis underestimates the militia against him. However, the troops start losing their spirit and he runs through the ranks carrying the flag again, and they continue fighting. In the end, he gets in a showdown with Malfoy's dad. And he wins. I really am too bored to describe it, so let's just say it was cool, okay? Wait, I have to describe it so I can talk about the cool part. See, they're fighting, and Malfoy's dad has Ben on his knees and is about to kill him, saying that obviously Ben is not the better man. Then the latter ducks and avoids getting killed by Malfoy's dad and stabs the former in the stomach, saying that his sons were better men.
This is the part where I sob over dead characters, because I don't care so much about the ending.
THEY KILLED THOMAS AND GABRIEL. NO. HOW DARE THEY?! *insert rant here*
Anyways, on Saturday night I made a schedule for the next two weeks, and if I stick to it, which is so far so good, I will have all my oneshots done, have finished eight hours of NaNo planning, three hours of OTP planning, and character profiles for the six main characters in my NaNo. All done. In two weeks. It's amazing.
And this blog post is finally done, so I'm off to plan for NaNo.
--Ave, off to plan for NaNo
Saturday, September 4, 2010
It's Better Without
September 4th, 2010
Eleven-thirty am.
On a Saturday.
------------------
And after a lot of consideration and thought, at three am EST this morning my brain simply and abruptly came to the conclusion of, "Well, you're a hell of a lot better off without that, aren't you? Not the greatest timing, but still. It's better."
Before I came to this conclusion, however, I was attempting to partake in that pointless act known as sleeping. At just after two am I logged off my computer and said bye to Des, and then was lying there, trying to sleep. I couldn't. Then I was hungry, so I was lying there, eating crackers and not feeling very tired. And once I came to that conclusion, I felt better.
I fell asleep after that.
Seven hours later I finally woke up for good, after killing my alarm clock. And this has lead me to yet another conclusion, one I am adamant about, and one that I will carry through on. Because I don't give a damn about the person anymore, and honestly, thinking about them just makes me even more hellbent on making sure that this year is better than all the rest. I will make room for actually studying for tests and getting all my homework done and I'll have an epic NaNo plot with actual subplots and I'll finish all of these stupid oneshots and they won't suck anymore. And I'll start a multi-chapter fic that I'll actually get done.
And it'll all work out for the best.
This time, I am damn sure of it.
--Ave
Eleven-thirty am.
On a Saturday.
------------------
And after a lot of consideration and thought, at three am EST this morning my brain simply and abruptly came to the conclusion of, "Well, you're a hell of a lot better off without that, aren't you? Not the greatest timing, but still. It's better."
This thought just kind of popped into my head in the midst of twelve million extremely indecisive thoughts, out of the blue. Nevertheless, it is my new mantra, to be repeated as often as needed. And it's working.
Before I came to this conclusion, however, I was attempting to partake in that pointless act known as sleeping. At just after two am I logged off my computer and said bye to Des, and then was lying there, trying to sleep. I couldn't. Then I was hungry, so I was lying there, eating crackers and not feeling very tired. And once I came to that conclusion, I felt better.
I fell asleep after that.
Seven hours later I finally woke up for good, after killing my alarm clock. And this has lead me to yet another conclusion, one I am adamant about, and one that I will carry through on. Because I don't give a damn about the person anymore, and honestly, thinking about them just makes me even more hellbent on making sure that this year is better than all the rest. I will make room for actually studying for tests and getting all my homework done and I'll have an epic NaNo plot with actual subplots and I'll finish all of these stupid oneshots and they won't suck anymore. And I'll start a multi-chapter fic that I'll actually get done.
And it'll all work out for the best.
This time, I am damn sure of it.
--Ave
Friday, September 3, 2010
Eh. *is title fail*
September 3rd, 2010
Right before eleven am.
On a Friday.
--------------
So.
A lot has happened. Yet at the same time, next to nothing has happened at all.
It all starts...well, really, it all starts months ago. But that's a long complicated story I really don't want to jump into. Either way, yesterday Thorn and I got into a fight. This fight was entirely my fault because technically I triggered it, but it was bound to happen eventually and I basically just sped up the inevitable. Said spat resulted in her leaving forums and the Veritas and all that crap altogether. Thing is, I don't regret it. If I had to live through that again, I bet I would make the exact same decision all over again. Because there was no way in hell we were ever going to be friends again. How horrible does it sound if I blame this on her, because she's been acting like a different person? Uber-bad or just kinda bad or bad but true? *ponders*
And the strange thing is, I don't really seem to care. As in, I did not sit around moping. I stayed on my computer. I read fanfics. I waited for Des to show up, 'cause I had to talk to her, and right after she did show up I had to leave. Then I watched TV, wrote a bit, read Artemis Fowl. Took my dogs for a walk. Nothing strange. I mean, it was basically as though I never talked to her anyways. At one point she was my best friend. That point ended two months ago. Because if she truly gave a damn about us, she wouldn't leave, no matter what. She'd stick around even if we hate each other's guts and would murder one another if we lived in the same state. And so from that it becomes quite obvious that she doesn't care about us. And so the feeling is mutual, for me. I'm sick and tired of her crap anyways. It was her choice. She made it. And she can deal with the goddamn consequences, if any.
The three main revelations that come from all of this:
I do not care.
I do not regret it.
And I am sure that I would do it all over again in a second, cruel and heartless as it may seem.
--Ave
Right before eleven am.
On a Friday.
--------------
So.
A lot has happened. Yet at the same time, next to nothing has happened at all.
It all starts...well, really, it all starts months ago. But that's a long complicated story I really don't want to jump into. Either way, yesterday Thorn and I got into a fight. This fight was entirely my fault because technically I triggered it, but it was bound to happen eventually and I basically just sped up the inevitable. Said spat resulted in her leaving forums and the Veritas and all that crap altogether. Thing is, I don't regret it. If I had to live through that again, I bet I would make the exact same decision all over again. Because there was no way in hell we were ever going to be friends again. How horrible does it sound if I blame this on her, because she's been acting like a different person? Uber-bad or just kinda bad or bad but true? *ponders*
And the strange thing is, I don't really seem to care. As in, I did not sit around moping. I stayed on my computer. I read fanfics. I waited for Des to show up, 'cause I had to talk to her, and right after she did show up I had to leave. Then I watched TV, wrote a bit, read Artemis Fowl. Took my dogs for a walk. Nothing strange. I mean, it was basically as though I never talked to her anyways. At one point she was my best friend. That point ended two months ago. Because if she truly gave a damn about us, she wouldn't leave, no matter what. She'd stick around even if we hate each other's guts and would murder one another if we lived in the same state. And so from that it becomes quite obvious that she doesn't care about us. And so the feeling is mutual, for me. I'm sick and tired of her crap anyways. It was her choice. She made it. And she can deal with the goddamn consequences, if any.
The three main revelations that come from all of this:
I do not care.
I do not regret it.
And I am sure that I would do it all over again in a second, cruel and heartless as it may seem.
--Ave
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Welcome to September
It is upon us.
"It" being just about the worst month of the entire year.
September.
The month they cart me off to school five days a week and my computer time decreases by more than half. When I have to start getting everything done so much faster and procrastination simply isn't allowed anymore. And this year I have advanced classes, two of which guarantee homework every night and most likely will take an hour for just those two classes. Not to mention other classes. And I need to stay on top of it all, or else. And I can not afford to be behind on anything: Schoolwork, studying, my five point two million recordings, writing, plotting, anything.
Two months from today NaNo starts.
I have nothing, really. Just a wannabe plot.
And it'll have to do.
This week I have to finish all of my oneshots so that I can basically spend the next two months doing nothing but planning, and researching, and more planning. *prays*
But I refuse to let this get me down. I will get it all done.
This optimism thing is hard. *frowns*
--Ave, attempting optimism
"It" being just about the worst month of the entire year.
September.
The month they cart me off to school five days a week and my computer time decreases by more than half. When I have to start getting everything done so much faster and procrastination simply isn't allowed anymore. And this year I have advanced classes, two of which guarantee homework every night and most likely will take an hour for just those two classes. Not to mention other classes. And I need to stay on top of it all, or else. And I can not afford to be behind on anything: Schoolwork, studying, my five point two million recordings, writing, plotting, anything.
Two months from today NaNo starts.
I have nothing, really. Just a wannabe plot.
And it'll have to do.
This week I have to finish all of my oneshots so that I can basically spend the next two months doing nothing but planning, and researching, and more planning. *prays*
But I refuse to let this get me down. I will get it all done.
This optimism thing is hard. *frowns*
--Ave, attempting optimism
The Dark Side
Oh, screw it.
Apparently it takes forty freaking seconds for me to go from the optimistic, "It's all going to be okay" state of mind to the, "I CAN NOT WRITE I AM A FAIL AT LIFE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME" state of mind. And it only takes one thing, one person, to do that to me, and I hate it.
Right now, I hate all of it. Fanfiction. Writing. The Internet. And the person. Most especially the person. Because if it wasn't for the person I would not be in this mess.
I. Hate. People. So. Freaking. Much.
That includes myself.
And you know what I also hate? When I'm not thinking about that person, I am happy and fine, etc. When I do think of them, I immediately become depressed. And I hate it.
Just screw it.
Today, I just freaking hate everything.
Because of the person.
Whom I hate.
--Ave
Apparently it takes forty freaking seconds for me to go from the optimistic, "It's all going to be okay" state of mind to the, "I CAN NOT WRITE I AM A FAIL AT LIFE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME" state of mind. And it only takes one thing, one person, to do that to me, and I hate it.
Right now, I hate all of it. Fanfiction. Writing. The Internet. And the person. Most especially the person. Because if it wasn't for the person I would not be in this mess.
I. Hate. People. So. Freaking. Much.
That includes myself.
And you know what I also hate? When I'm not thinking about that person, I am happy and fine, etc. When I do think of them, I immediately become depressed. And I hate it.
Just screw it.
Today, I just freaking hate everything.
Because of the person.
Whom I hate.
--Ave
The Bright Side
September 1st, 2010
Almost eleven am.
On a Wednesday.
----------------------
Oddly enough, I am currently happier than I have been in quite a while.
That is, I've started getting things done and while it is not enjoyable, it feels fantastic to sit down at the end of the day and know that I've gotten something done in the past 24 hours besides sleeping and being lazy. Nevertheless, I still need to be getting even more done, because I only have a week until school starts again. Still, things are getting done and might actually be finished in time, except for my poor DVR which is suffering from my productivity. *pats DVR* So I have to learn to watch The Closer while I write.
Sunday night I realized that I'm not exactly fond of my NaNo, and I realized that all of that came back to my main character. It has occurred to me that I can't get into her head and that's why it's so hard to write her when I can write Darren or Zane so easily and I know what they'd be thinking. And Darren is a homicidal maniac who seemingly has no heart. And Zane is a spineless wimp who dreams big and is always optimistic. Neither of them are really a lot like me. But it's so simple to write them, and it's so hard to write Naida (the main character). So then I basically remade her entire character, and figured out her past. And so far it is working, although I am not supposed to be working on NaNo today, so that's been pushed aside for now.
My mom is still saying I have a horrible attitude and need more sleep. When I am going to fit in sleep in in the next week, I have no idea. Because sleep was so not part of the game plan, and if I'm planning on sleeping than I have to write during the day, instead of at eleven-thirty at night. Procrastination is no longer allowed.
And then she's been making me actually work on all of the chores I was supposed to have been doing all summer. Also on Sunday I spent three hours vacuuming and moping floors. It was unpleasant, although I did feel strangely proud of myself when I was through. Probably because I had actually accomplished something. Although today I have to work on picking up my hellish room, so that may not be so easy, although it will be equally time consuming. *looks at hellish room* No, it will be even more time consuming.
But: more good news. Last night we got our schedules from school, and I am giddy. My very best friend in the entire world since I was four and I have classes together for the first time in six years or so. Even if it is only lunch and gym. And then my other second closest female friend is in my math class, along with study hall and science, and lunch. *luffles besties* *is happy* Although apparently I have the "evil" history teacher, and history is kinda my favorite subject. But I shall not allow that to depress me.
Also yesterday I went to see Vampires Suck with my cousin and her bestie. It was decent. I'm glad it was bargain day and we only paid half price, though. Then we went back to my cousin's house and, being the mature people that we are, played with her little sister's Play Doh. But it was brand new! Brand new Play Doh is so fun . . . although they totally rip you off. Only half the can or so is actually full, and most of it is just empty space. And right after that I had to go and get my schedule. I remembered how much I dislike around half of the kids who go to my school. But I'll live, because last year I had no classes with my bestie and only lunch with my other friend, and I survived that year. After that I got home, ate dinner, walked my dog, and came back only to figure out that my bestie had been calling so we could compare schedules. Which we did. And then we called other people and compared schedules with them. Then we sat outside and talked about random things. And then I went home a little while after that and attempted to catch up on my recordings. I failed miserably. *shrugs*
And tomorrow we are going to go see Dinner for Schmucks or The Other Guys. *shrugs*
So . . . either way, I am currently a happy person who is kinda having a life, has not yet murdered her DVR (it's in better shape than it's been in in months), is happy with her new school schedule, is semi-failing at catching up on writing but okay with it so far, and is sort of ready to be forced to go back to school next week.
--Ave, who is actually happy
Almost eleven am.
On a Wednesday.
----------------------
Oddly enough, I am currently happier than I have been in quite a while.
That is, I've started getting things done and while it is not enjoyable, it feels fantastic to sit down at the end of the day and know that I've gotten something done in the past 24 hours besides sleeping and being lazy. Nevertheless, I still need to be getting even more done, because I only have a week until school starts again. Still, things are getting done and might actually be finished in time, except for my poor DVR which is suffering from my productivity. *pats DVR* So I have to learn to watch The Closer while I write.
Sunday night I realized that I'm not exactly fond of my NaNo, and I realized that all of that came back to my main character. It has occurred to me that I can't get into her head and that's why it's so hard to write her when I can write Darren or Zane so easily and I know what they'd be thinking. And Darren is a homicidal maniac who seemingly has no heart. And Zane is a spineless wimp who dreams big and is always optimistic. Neither of them are really a lot like me. But it's so simple to write them, and it's so hard to write Naida (the main character). So then I basically remade her entire character, and figured out her past. And so far it is working, although I am not supposed to be working on NaNo today, so that's been pushed aside for now.
My mom is still saying I have a horrible attitude and need more sleep. When I am going to fit in sleep in in the next week, I have no idea. Because sleep was so not part of the game plan, and if I'm planning on sleeping than I have to write during the day, instead of at eleven-thirty at night. Procrastination is no longer allowed.
And then she's been making me actually work on all of the chores I was supposed to have been doing all summer. Also on Sunday I spent three hours vacuuming and moping floors. It was unpleasant, although I did feel strangely proud of myself when I was through. Probably because I had actually accomplished something. Although today I have to work on picking up my hellish room, so that may not be so easy, although it will be equally time consuming. *looks at hellish room* No, it will be even more time consuming.
But: more good news. Last night we got our schedules from school, and I am giddy. My very best friend in the entire world since I was four and I have classes together for the first time in six years or so. Even if it is only lunch and gym. And then my other second closest female friend is in my math class, along with study hall and science, and lunch. *luffles besties* *is happy* Although apparently I have the "evil" history teacher, and history is kinda my favorite subject. But I shall not allow that to depress me.
Also yesterday I went to see Vampires Suck with my cousin and her bestie. It was decent. I'm glad it was bargain day and we only paid half price, though. Then we went back to my cousin's house and, being the mature people that we are, played with her little sister's Play Doh. But it was brand new! Brand new Play Doh is so fun . . . although they totally rip you off. Only half the can or so is actually full, and most of it is just empty space. And right after that I had to go and get my schedule. I remembered how much I dislike around half of the kids who go to my school. But I'll live, because last year I had no classes with my bestie and only lunch with my other friend, and I survived that year. After that I got home, ate dinner, walked my dog, and came back only to figure out that my bestie had been calling so we could compare schedules. Which we did. And then we called other people and compared schedules with them. Then we sat outside and talked about random things. And then I went home a little while after that and attempted to catch up on my recordings. I failed miserably. *shrugs*
And tomorrow we are going to go see Dinner for Schmucks or The Other Guys. *shrugs*
So . . . either way, I am currently a happy person who is kinda having a life, has not yet murdered her DVR (it's in better shape than it's been in in months), is happy with her new school schedule, is semi-failing at catching up on writing but okay with it so far, and is sort of ready to be forced to go back to school next week.
--Ave, who is actually happy
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