September 27th, 2010
Nearing eleven pm
On a Monday night.
--------------
We'll make this quick, eh?
'Cause Blogger is glitching and it hates me.
Some more stuff happened. Not very much, though. To summarize, briefly:
Firstly, I've been reading a lot. *throws streamers* YAY! Last week I finally got to read Into the Gauntlet, the last 39 Clues book. I loved it. And they're making a sequel series, in which Ian/Amy had better happen. *glares at Scholastic* IT'D BETTER! *shakes fist angrily* See, Ian and Amy are two characters in the series, and I'm kind of obsessed with them. Just a little bit . . . But they're worth being obsessed with, and have inspired me to try writing . . . *pause for dramatic effect* romance.
Mhm. So that's the new plan. Also, I have fixed my NaNo ending. For real. With two magical words that make every story make sense: SERIAL KILLER.
Now, this may sound strange. In fact, I know it sounds strange. But truthfully, the whole thing now makes sense, and so I've been taking a bit of time off from NaNo, and shall resume my obsessive planning in a few days. Of course, looking at the date, I have been panicking about how little time I now have, but I'll make it work. I shall. Or else.
Haven't had nearly as many bad days lately; just a few where I am very, very negative. Very. Did I say very enough times? I don't think I did. VERY. M'kay, that's good now. And things are doing quite well. I aced my first math test, and was one of only four in eighty to do so. Studying pays off.
And now I'd better go to bed, because it's late and I must study and brush my teeth and do some other stuff.
--Ave, who should study and sleep and read, but doesn't feel like it
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Random Post
September 19th, 2010
Afternoon-ish.
On a Sunday
-------
So.
Nothing new has happened, quite obviously, seeing as it hasn't even been eleven hours since I last posted and I spent almost all of that time sleeping. Sleeping is the only task on the schedule schedule that I have actually gotten done. The sad thing is, even though I've spent nearly twenty-four hours sleeping this weekend, I'm still tired. And after waking up at twelve-thirty yesterday, I went back to sleep at just past one and very easily dozed off. Back to the point, however. And the point this time is: I have no point. This is just going to be one of those posts where I worry a lot.
And sadly, there's a lot to worry about.
About a week ago I found out that my dog, whom I've had for years, is sick. Turns out he managed to get himself a skin rash and an ear infection, although the rash seemed to be the worst part. A rash he got, possibly, because after I gave him a bath, I didn't take his collar off, and so it may have irritated him and caused him to scratch at his neck, where he got the rash, in the first place. Thankfully he's getting better now and the spot on his neck they had to shave is healing quite nicely, and his fur is already starting to grow back.
School started less than two weeks ago. And already I am swamped, although most of my problems come back to nightly math and science, which I can't do anything about, and this project I have to do. See, the one friend I thought I had no classes with turned out to be in my lunch and this sort of class we have to take that's kind of like home economics. The whole point of the class is the big project you do in groups. But you didn't get to pick the group you were in, because . . . well, I don't really know why. We just weren't allowed to. All we got to do was pick partners, and then she put groups of partners together.
So, my friend and I were partners, obviously. And we got paired with another group of partners who are among the better people we could have gotten stuck with, only neither of them wants to do any work outside of class. I've had this happen to me before when working in groups, and so I knew that at least these two would do something in class, even if they wouldn't do any outside school, and so catching up on things at home would come down to me and my friend. It could have been worse; they could have done nothing or I could have been stuck without my friend in the first place.
Only, we have to catch up on this part of the project, and my friend is busy all weekend. So who does it fall to? Me. Of course. And I don't have the time for this.
Of course, no one at my school considers writing to be any sort of extracurricular activity unless it's done in one of their writing clubs, which are a) the school newspaper, which is a joke and no one ever reads, or b) their thing where you stay after school and basically write and receive instruction from one of the English teachers, who has published two books. The only thing is? I don't mean to sound mean, but if he had truly been successful, he would not be teaching English to kids in my not-so-fantastic town. And so . . . well, I don't want to make it sound like I scorn this, because it's an accomplishment to be published at all and even if he wasn't published he still knows a lot about writing. But . . . I don't know. I don't know anyone who's actually in this club thing, and so I don't know if they aspire to actually be honest to goodness published writers when they grow up and think this is going to help them. And so maybe being in that club would help me, but the truth is I would rather keep my writing mine, and anonymous.
And so everyone thinks I am one of those people who does nothing with her life, when in truth I do a ton of stuff. It just all comes back to writing. I don't know anyone in real life who wants to be an author one day. I know those people who say, "Oh, I'm going to write a story!" and then their story is a half page long and after getting out their new notebook to write it in and carrying it around with them for a few days, they forget about it. Weeks, months, years later, they'll find it, and read it, and laugh at it. But never continue it. They all think writing is so easy, something simple. But it's not, and they never appreciate exactly how much work goes into forcing out those words and making them good and making sure that this scene doesn't bore the living crap out of people, and that this scene has enough action, and that this fact is plausible and this isn't pointless entirely, but just pointless enough to make it enjoyable. And plot holes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that my mind believes that no one I know can write, really. I know that, most likely, this isn't true. They probably can write. Someone among them. And someone among them is probably also infinitely better than me. This I know. But in the end, it comes down to me being obsessed with being the best, and being better than all of them at writing because I started young and never really truly gave up. But most of all, being successful in my writing, being published, is really something that I want so much simply to prove that I haven't wasted my time writing. Because if I didn't write, I would have a life. I would do things. So I have simply devoted my entire life as a minor to writing in hopes that it'll lead to something.
I know Mia (that's right, I called her Mia for once, you may all now be amazed) always talks about her plans for the future, plans she says most likely won't happen. I, too, have a convoluted plan for the future that, while it may be a lot of wishful thinking, also has a chance.
This plan has undergone massive changes over the past few weeks, after the original plan was shot straight to hell. And so now it entails the following: going to *insert college name here*, double majoring in history and English. Then, in my second year of college, I shall study abroad in England/Scotland so that I have primary sources for the book I want to write on Mary and Elizabeth Tudor and the other book I want to write on Mary Queen of Scots. Although this makes more sense if I study in England after I publish a book so that people take me seriously, and so this may fail . . . Either way. Then I eventually go back to the other college and finish studying there, and graduate. And then find a random job doing something with history, preferably the European kind, in New York or Toronto, since they're the two publishing capitals of North America. Or maybe D.C., simply because it'd be more likely for me to find a job having to do with history there. And then I live happily ever after and get published and get a dog named Laika and become the next J.K. Rowling.
Yup. That's my plan fail, all of which stemmed off of me explaining the stupid project I procrastinated working on by writing this post. Mhm . . .
--Ave, who really should work on her stupid project
P.S.--I also have a new obsession. Heard about the movie The Social Network, that comes out on October first? I am obsessed with it. This is stupid, since I don't even have a Facebook. I just really really really like the story. A lot. And so, I shall drag my cousin and her friend to see it with me a few weeks after it comes out. *nods some* *skips off to finish project*
Afternoon-ish.
On a Sunday
-------
So.
Nothing new has happened, quite obviously, seeing as it hasn't even been eleven hours since I last posted and I spent almost all of that time sleeping. Sleeping is the only task on the schedule schedule that I have actually gotten done. The sad thing is, even though I've spent nearly twenty-four hours sleeping this weekend, I'm still tired. And after waking up at twelve-thirty yesterday, I went back to sleep at just past one and very easily dozed off. Back to the point, however. And the point this time is: I have no point. This is just going to be one of those posts where I worry a lot.
And sadly, there's a lot to worry about.
About a week ago I found out that my dog, whom I've had for years, is sick. Turns out he managed to get himself a skin rash and an ear infection, although the rash seemed to be the worst part. A rash he got, possibly, because after I gave him a bath, I didn't take his collar off, and so it may have irritated him and caused him to scratch at his neck, where he got the rash, in the first place. Thankfully he's getting better now and the spot on his neck they had to shave is healing quite nicely, and his fur is already starting to grow back.
School started less than two weeks ago. And already I am swamped, although most of my problems come back to nightly math and science, which I can't do anything about, and this project I have to do. See, the one friend I thought I had no classes with turned out to be in my lunch and this sort of class we have to take that's kind of like home economics. The whole point of the class is the big project you do in groups. But you didn't get to pick the group you were in, because . . . well, I don't really know why. We just weren't allowed to. All we got to do was pick partners, and then she put groups of partners together.
So, my friend and I were partners, obviously. And we got paired with another group of partners who are among the better people we could have gotten stuck with, only neither of them wants to do any work outside of class. I've had this happen to me before when working in groups, and so I knew that at least these two would do something in class, even if they wouldn't do any outside school, and so catching up on things at home would come down to me and my friend. It could have been worse; they could have done nothing or I could have been stuck without my friend in the first place.
Only, we have to catch up on this part of the project, and my friend is busy all weekend. So who does it fall to? Me. Of course. And I don't have the time for this.
Of course, no one at my school considers writing to be any sort of extracurricular activity unless it's done in one of their writing clubs, which are a) the school newspaper, which is a joke and no one ever reads, or b) their thing where you stay after school and basically write and receive instruction from one of the English teachers, who has published two books. The only thing is? I don't mean to sound mean, but if he had truly been successful, he would not be teaching English to kids in my not-so-fantastic town. And so . . . well, I don't want to make it sound like I scorn this, because it's an accomplishment to be published at all and even if he wasn't published he still knows a lot about writing. But . . . I don't know. I don't know anyone who's actually in this club thing, and so I don't know if they aspire to actually be honest to goodness published writers when they grow up and think this is going to help them. And so maybe being in that club would help me, but the truth is I would rather keep my writing mine, and anonymous.
And so everyone thinks I am one of those people who does nothing with her life, when in truth I do a ton of stuff. It just all comes back to writing. I don't know anyone in real life who wants to be an author one day. I know those people who say, "Oh, I'm going to write a story!" and then their story is a half page long and after getting out their new notebook to write it in and carrying it around with them for a few days, they forget about it. Weeks, months, years later, they'll find it, and read it, and laugh at it. But never continue it. They all think writing is so easy, something simple. But it's not, and they never appreciate exactly how much work goes into forcing out those words and making them good and making sure that this scene doesn't bore the living crap out of people, and that this scene has enough action, and that this fact is plausible and this isn't pointless entirely, but just pointless enough to make it enjoyable. And plot holes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that my mind believes that no one I know can write, really. I know that, most likely, this isn't true. They probably can write. Someone among them. And someone among them is probably also infinitely better than me. This I know. But in the end, it comes down to me being obsessed with being the best, and being better than all of them at writing because I started young and never really truly gave up. But most of all, being successful in my writing, being published, is really something that I want so much simply to prove that I haven't wasted my time writing. Because if I didn't write, I would have a life. I would do things. So I have simply devoted my entire life as a minor to writing in hopes that it'll lead to something.
I know Mia (that's right, I called her Mia for once, you may all now be amazed) always talks about her plans for the future, plans she says most likely won't happen. I, too, have a convoluted plan for the future that, while it may be a lot of wishful thinking, also has a chance.
This plan has undergone massive changes over the past few weeks, after the original plan was shot straight to hell. And so now it entails the following: going to *insert college name here*, double majoring in history and English. Then, in my second year of college, I shall study abroad in England/Scotland so that I have primary sources for the book I want to write on Mary and Elizabeth Tudor and the other book I want to write on Mary Queen of Scots. Although this makes more sense if I study in England after I publish a book so that people take me seriously, and so this may fail . . . Either way. Then I eventually go back to the other college and finish studying there, and graduate. And then find a random job doing something with history, preferably the European kind, in New York or Toronto, since they're the two publishing capitals of North America. Or maybe D.C., simply because it'd be more likely for me to find a job having to do with history there. And then I live happily ever after and get published and get a dog named Laika and become the next J.K. Rowling.
Yup. That's my plan fail, all of which stemmed off of me explaining the stupid project I procrastinated working on by writing this post. Mhm . . .
--Ave, who really should work on her stupid project
P.S.--I also have a new obsession. Heard about the movie The Social Network, that comes out on October first? I am obsessed with it. This is stupid, since I don't even have a Facebook. I just really really really like the story. A lot. And so, I shall drag my cousin and her friend to see it with me a few weeks after it comes out. *nods some* *skips off to finish project*
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Split
September 19th, 2010
Twelve am.
On a Sunday morning.
-----------
Remember how I said that I was leaving for a while? Well, thanks to a thing that happened, I came back early. But that doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at them.
And I'm only pissed at them because of Thorn.
So it all comes back to Thorn. Because whenever someone mentions her I want to punch something. What I hate more, though, is that they're all like, "Oh yeah Ave's here don't talk about it! She's gonna get pissed!" I hate that. So much. So freaking much.
This really does make me sound bitchy. But it's the truth and I have no reason to lie and pretend I'm fine on my own blog.
Because I have only a few things truly keeping me miserable, and the main thing is that I can't get the hell away from her. I'm sick of it, really. Sick of it. There's no escaping it; no matter what the hell I do the only way to get away is to leave all of the other friends I've made on fanfiction. And there's no way I'm letting this ruin my entire online life. It's not worth it. So I have to put up with it or--or--there is no or. I have to put up with it, period. Unless I want to leave, but I've already said leaving isn't an option.
It is solidified in my mind that no one leaves forever. This was truly proven when Cara came back on Thursday. I think it was Thursday. All of the days are just melting together in my mind. But I'm pretty sure it was Thursday. Cara had been gone for months, but she's come back (this was a very happy occasion *smiles*). And that really proves that no one ever leaves for real. I mean, I still expect Rachel to come back one day, even to just pop in and visit. Gabi is gone for real, but that's mostly because she was just never so close with lots of us in the first place, I think. And so I know that even if I did leave, I, too, would be back. It might be a few days or a week or a month or even months before I did, but I would come back. I know it. I love them all too much. They are my second family.
Another thing messing it all up: Homework. Too much of it. And I know I should spend more time on it and actually study, but I don't. I should. And I will. Soon. I swear.
I'm really worried about Des. She's not doing so great lately. Today we spent an hour on Skype call and talked about pointless things and it was awesome, but now she's kind of worrying, really, about everything. And I feel so bad for her. More than anything I wish that I could actually hug her, instead of just typing the word. But I can't. This, I hate. I'd elaborate but this is really not something I have any right to announce to the Internet.
I am failing at completing any of the tasks on the Schedule Schedule. The Schedule Schedule is the schedule I compiled so that I may complete my first schedule in time, although I know I won't. So tomorrow I am chained to that, and I can't go online tomorrow.
And something that I really have issues with keeps pestering me too. According to my doctor, I need to drink more fluids and go to the bathroom more often. This is actually more challenging than it would seem. Moving on . . .
NaNo has turned into my own personal prison. Every free minute is NaNo planning now, it seems, and I've hit a major plot hole. Because it needs more action and is going to fail, and at this point I want to work on another original plot bunny I have. But I can't, and I have to turn the one I have into something good. So I guess I will, then. Let's see how that goes . . .
I honestly don't know what keeps me going lately. No clue at all. My bestie and I aren't talking so much, and so it's . . . strange, really. She's more of an outdoors person who loves the summer and being outside. I am a fall/winter person who would rather be curled up inside reading or writing or on the computer. Don't ask me how we get along. We just . . . do. We've grown apart yet stuck together somehow, and we just have to find a bit of common ground first. The only problem? We're opposites.
School is in no way encouraging me, since everything is simply demanding and I can't slack off there; and at home I can't slack off since I have so much to do. So I'm busy. Yet not doing anything. It sucks.
Often enough I feel like two separate people. There's the me I am around my friends, and the one I am online, and the one I am around strangers, the one I am when I'm at home, the one I am when I'm by myself; the list goes on and on. It'll make sense if I ever get around to explaining what I call The Ave Complex. That's long and complicated, though, and I'm tired. And I've only been up for twelve hours or so. It's nearly one now, since I keep switching between this and other things, so I should go to bed. G'Night, and hopefully I'll update on Monday. We'll see, eh?
--Ave, off to sleep and feeling much better
Twelve am.
On a Sunday morning.
-----------
Remember how I said that I was leaving for a while? Well, thanks to a thing that happened, I came back early. But that doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at them.
And I'm only pissed at them because of Thorn.
So it all comes back to Thorn. Because whenever someone mentions her I want to punch something. What I hate more, though, is that they're all like, "Oh yeah Ave's here don't talk about it! She's gonna get pissed!" I hate that. So much. So freaking much.
This really does make me sound bitchy. But it's the truth and I have no reason to lie and pretend I'm fine on my own blog.
Because I have only a few things truly keeping me miserable, and the main thing is that I can't get the hell away from her. I'm sick of it, really. Sick of it. There's no escaping it; no matter what the hell I do the only way to get away is to leave all of the other friends I've made on fanfiction. And there's no way I'm letting this ruin my entire online life. It's not worth it. So I have to put up with it or--or--there is no or. I have to put up with it, period. Unless I want to leave, but I've already said leaving isn't an option.
It is solidified in my mind that no one leaves forever. This was truly proven when Cara came back on Thursday. I think it was Thursday. All of the days are just melting together in my mind. But I'm pretty sure it was Thursday. Cara had been gone for months, but she's come back (this was a very happy occasion *smiles*). And that really proves that no one ever leaves for real. I mean, I still expect Rachel to come back one day, even to just pop in and visit. Gabi is gone for real, but that's mostly because she was just never so close with lots of us in the first place, I think. And so I know that even if I did leave, I, too, would be back. It might be a few days or a week or a month or even months before I did, but I would come back. I know it. I love them all too much. They are my second family.
Another thing messing it all up: Homework. Too much of it. And I know I should spend more time on it and actually study, but I don't. I should. And I will. Soon. I swear.
I'm really worried about Des. She's not doing so great lately. Today we spent an hour on Skype call and talked about pointless things and it was awesome, but now she's kind of worrying, really, about everything. And I feel so bad for her. More than anything I wish that I could actually hug her, instead of just typing the word. But I can't. This, I hate. I'd elaborate but this is really not something I have any right to announce to the Internet.
I am failing at completing any of the tasks on the Schedule Schedule. The Schedule Schedule is the schedule I compiled so that I may complete my first schedule in time, although I know I won't. So tomorrow I am chained to that, and I can't go online tomorrow.
And something that I really have issues with keeps pestering me too. According to my doctor, I need to drink more fluids and go to the bathroom more often. This is actually more challenging than it would seem. Moving on . . .
NaNo has turned into my own personal prison. Every free minute is NaNo planning now, it seems, and I've hit a major plot hole. Because it needs more action and is going to fail, and at this point I want to work on another original plot bunny I have. But I can't, and I have to turn the one I have into something good. So I guess I will, then. Let's see how that goes . . .
I honestly don't know what keeps me going lately. No clue at all. My bestie and I aren't talking so much, and so it's . . . strange, really. She's more of an outdoors person who loves the summer and being outside. I am a fall/winter person who would rather be curled up inside reading or writing or on the computer. Don't ask me how we get along. We just . . . do. We've grown apart yet stuck together somehow, and we just have to find a bit of common ground first. The only problem? We're opposites.
School is in no way encouraging me, since everything is simply demanding and I can't slack off there; and at home I can't slack off since I have so much to do. So I'm busy. Yet not doing anything. It sucks.
Often enough I feel like two separate people. There's the me I am around my friends, and the one I am online, and the one I am around strangers, the one I am when I'm at home, the one I am when I'm by myself; the list goes on and on. It'll make sense if I ever get around to explaining what I call The Ave Complex. That's long and complicated, though, and I'm tired. And I've only been up for twelve hours or so. It's nearly one now, since I keep switching between this and other things, so I should go to bed. G'Night, and hopefully I'll update on Monday. We'll see, eh?
--Ave, off to sleep and feeling much better
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Abandonment
I'm out.
For a while.
A few days, a week, two, who knows. Either way, I'm sick of this.
And so, for once, I shall blatantly state it for all the world with internet access to see.
I'm sick of Thorn. I'm sick of hearing about her. I'm sick of her showing up and everyone fawning over her. But I have no right to make them STFU. So I'm gone.
Because I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.
Back whenever.
For a while.
A few days, a week, two, who knows. Either way, I'm sick of this.
And so, for once, I shall blatantly state it for all the world with internet access to see.
I'm sick of Thorn. I'm sick of hearing about her. I'm sick of her showing up and everyone fawning over her. But I have no right to make them STFU. So I'm gone.
Because I'm not dealing with this shit anymore.
Back whenever.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
NaNo Takes Over
September 15th, 2010
9:30 pm.
On a Wednesday night.
------------------
Nothing much has happened in the past few days.
That is bad, by the way.
And so why am I updating now? I shouldn't be. I have to do math homework and study and then catch up on NaNo character profiles--that's right, not planning itself. That I am actually caught up on (but tomorrow's Thursday, and so I have to do two more hours then). So, basically, I am really hating NaNo right now. It's taking over. Although, really, there's no space for it to take over. It's not allowed.
Yes, I know this makes no sense. Oh well.
Either way, once we get to Saturday this current schedule is through with. That is bad because I have to do three and a half character profiles and then tomorrow's NaNo planning for two hours and then Friday's OTP (multi-chapter fic) plotting, which is for one hour, but I have another hour of OTP work from Saturday to do.
So of course I have also decided that I have to take Saturday off.
The reason? I haven't been reading enough. This may sound weird. Oh well. Either way, I've realized that I spend so much time on the computer or plotting or, god forbid, writing, that I never really read properly anymore. So I am taking Saturday off. Kinda. See, I can't take the whole day off; I told Desy I would attempt to Skype call her on Saturday night. But I shall take the morning off and simply read and reacquaint myself with my DVR. It misses me.
Anyways, news of the good sort: Kayla and Reese and Jess have been online a lot lately. This is good news, for those of you who are ignorant.
And also, people have been asking me about Thorn a lot. Why do I find the need to say this? Because I, being me, have decided to rant. Of course. What else would I do?
People keep asking about it. Honestly, I have no idea how to truly answer them on it. When you get down to it, I instigated the final fight. But all that happened between fights was us just not talking; there was no regularity where we actually talked. And honestly, there was something in me that was just sick of it all. And just hated it. Most of all, that something wanted it to be over. It got its wish. In the beginning, though (I've been thinking a lot about this), we only became friends because people decided we were so similar and lumped us together. I liked this in the beginning. I felt like I belonged. And now, nearly five months after I made my first appearance on Theia's forum, and then later on Have you give up yet? on Honest's forum, I realized that I don't need to cling to someone to feel like I belong. I belong in my own right now, as presumptuous as that may sound. At least, I feel as though I belong in my own right. And that's good enough.
I know that that makes it sound as though I used Thorn as a security blanket, and never really cared. But what people won't realize is that I cared about her, a lot, no matter what. It just feels like she back stabbed me, kind of, and hung me out to dry. Her leaving was not abrupt. She hadn't truly been online since June. And so her not being around was normal. Me not talking to her was normal. I've heard her own opinions on this, but this is honestly how I've been thinking of it for two months, more: she hasn't been acting like the same person. She wasn't, to me, anything like that person I met in April. I don't know how other people think of this, but this is how I see it. And I don't think I could ever really go back to that.
For two months I pretended it was fine when it wasn't. I pretended to be normal when I was having breakdowns every other day and wrote god knows how many rants that I wanted to say to her, to everyone. Rants I wanted to shout from the rooftops so that it would finally be over with and the pieces could be picked up and reassembled and this time, we'd be fine, we'd be normal again.
Only at this point, we could never be normal again. Ever.
And on September the second--I pretend not to know the date, but I have it memorized--I finally snapped. At this point I had been thinking that I could just kind of not talk to her for a while until I sorted it all out and knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make this work and be her "twin" again. But then I just snapped. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted it through. Done and over with. I was going to tell her exactly what I thought, and if we parted ways in the end and never spoke again, or if we talked it out and were best friends, I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it over with. Truthfully, I never thought it wouldn't work out.
But it didn't. And so we exchanged our harsh words and then she decided she was leaving. So, like that, she left. I stayed. I know that I could never really leave. That's a fact; I just care about everyone too much. The day she decided she was leaving, I was fine. Friday, the day after that? That day sucked.
So I had a breakdown. At that point, as I said, I was having breakdowns three, four times a week. This one was bad. In said breakdown, I basically blamed myself for everything and was confused and cried a bunch. I felt bad about it.
And I don't feel so bad about it now. She left to "get her life back", or something of the sort. And she can do that. Honestly, it's better to not have to worry about that. But I don't feel like it's over. This seems like, to me, a sort of downtime, and something else is going to happen. Something explosive. Because I believe that no one leaves the Veritas forever. No one. It doesn't happen. And so I have a feeling she'll be back, and we'll both learn to cross that bridge when we get to it.
So that's it. Kind of. And the truth is, I honestly am angry at her right now. Can I really blame her for what happened? No. The final fight was my fault. But I was angry at her about something, and that's what led up to it. I still don't regret it. Nevertheless, I still wonder what would have happened if it turned out just a bit differently. Because right now, when someone mentions her or Vengeance I get that sick feeling again. I'm just sick of it. Because as much as I want it to be the past, I can't let go. Not just yet. In the end this is going to lead to something, because I know for a fact she's not gone forever. The real reason I think I'm mad at her is basically that she left. That she didn't care about us enough to stay. That apparently we're not worth it.
It's bullshit. Because you can make time for us. Reese does it, damn it. And she does everything (every activity, that is). And so if you leave us, it's because, once more, you didn't care enough to make it work so that you could stay, even if it was just popping in once every three days or so.
And this leads me to a final conclusion of:
1) She doesn't care
2) Ranting feels good
3) I have way too much crap to get done to stay here ranting. Math homework, here I come...*sighs*
--Ave, ever adamant, yet confuzzled, and with math homework to do
PS--That rant was most likely repetitive and made no sense. Too bad.
9:30 pm.
On a Wednesday night.
------------------
Nothing much has happened in the past few days.
That is bad, by the way.
And so why am I updating now? I shouldn't be. I have to do math homework and study and then catch up on NaNo character profiles--that's right, not planning itself. That I am actually caught up on (but tomorrow's Thursday, and so I have to do two more hours then). So, basically, I am really hating NaNo right now. It's taking over. Although, really, there's no space for it to take over. It's not allowed.
Yes, I know this makes no sense. Oh well.
Either way, once we get to Saturday this current schedule is through with. That is bad because I have to do three and a half character profiles and then tomorrow's NaNo planning for two hours and then Friday's OTP (multi-chapter fic) plotting, which is for one hour, but I have another hour of OTP work from Saturday to do.
So of course I have also decided that I have to take Saturday off.
The reason? I haven't been reading enough. This may sound weird. Oh well. Either way, I've realized that I spend so much time on the computer or plotting or, god forbid, writing, that I never really read properly anymore. So I am taking Saturday off. Kinda. See, I can't take the whole day off; I told Desy I would attempt to Skype call her on Saturday night. But I shall take the morning off and simply read and reacquaint myself with my DVR. It misses me.
Anyways, news of the good sort: Kayla and Reese and Jess have been online a lot lately. This is good news, for those of you who are ignorant.
And also, people have been asking me about Thorn a lot. Why do I find the need to say this? Because I, being me, have decided to rant. Of course. What else would I do?
People keep asking about it. Honestly, I have no idea how to truly answer them on it. When you get down to it, I instigated the final fight. But all that happened between fights was us just not talking; there was no regularity where we actually talked. And honestly, there was something in me that was just sick of it all. And just hated it. Most of all, that something wanted it to be over. It got its wish. In the beginning, though (I've been thinking a lot about this), we only became friends because people decided we were so similar and lumped us together. I liked this in the beginning. I felt like I belonged. And now, nearly five months after I made my first appearance on Theia's forum, and then later on Have you give up yet? on Honest's forum, I realized that I don't need to cling to someone to feel like I belong. I belong in my own right now, as presumptuous as that may sound. At least, I feel as though I belong in my own right. And that's good enough.
I know that that makes it sound as though I used Thorn as a security blanket, and never really cared. But what people won't realize is that I cared about her, a lot, no matter what. It just feels like she back stabbed me, kind of, and hung me out to dry. Her leaving was not abrupt. She hadn't truly been online since June. And so her not being around was normal. Me not talking to her was normal. I've heard her own opinions on this, but this is honestly how I've been thinking of it for two months, more: she hasn't been acting like the same person. She wasn't, to me, anything like that person I met in April. I don't know how other people think of this, but this is how I see it. And I don't think I could ever really go back to that.
For two months I pretended it was fine when it wasn't. I pretended to be normal when I was having breakdowns every other day and wrote god knows how many rants that I wanted to say to her, to everyone. Rants I wanted to shout from the rooftops so that it would finally be over with and the pieces could be picked up and reassembled and this time, we'd be fine, we'd be normal again.
Only at this point, we could never be normal again. Ever.
And on September the second--I pretend not to know the date, but I have it memorized--I finally snapped. At this point I had been thinking that I could just kind of not talk to her for a while until I sorted it all out and knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make this work and be her "twin" again. But then I just snapped. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted it through. Done and over with. I was going to tell her exactly what I thought, and if we parted ways in the end and never spoke again, or if we talked it out and were best friends, I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it over with. Truthfully, I never thought it wouldn't work out.
But it didn't. And so we exchanged our harsh words and then she decided she was leaving. So, like that, she left. I stayed. I know that I could never really leave. That's a fact; I just care about everyone too much. The day she decided she was leaving, I was fine. Friday, the day after that? That day sucked.
So I had a breakdown. At that point, as I said, I was having breakdowns three, four times a week. This one was bad. In said breakdown, I basically blamed myself for everything and was confused and cried a bunch. I felt bad about it.
And I don't feel so bad about it now. She left to "get her life back", or something of the sort. And she can do that. Honestly, it's better to not have to worry about that. But I don't feel like it's over. This seems like, to me, a sort of downtime, and something else is going to happen. Something explosive. Because I believe that no one leaves the Veritas forever. No one. It doesn't happen. And so I have a feeling she'll be back, and we'll both learn to cross that bridge when we get to it.
So that's it. Kind of. And the truth is, I honestly am angry at her right now. Can I really blame her for what happened? No. The final fight was my fault. But I was angry at her about something, and that's what led up to it. I still don't regret it. Nevertheless, I still wonder what would have happened if it turned out just a bit differently. Because right now, when someone mentions her or Vengeance I get that sick feeling again. I'm just sick of it. Because as much as I want it to be the past, I can't let go. Not just yet. In the end this is going to lead to something, because I know for a fact she's not gone forever. The real reason I think I'm mad at her is basically that she left. That she didn't care about us enough to stay. That apparently we're not worth it.
It's bullshit. Because you can make time for us. Reese does it, damn it. And she does everything (every activity, that is). And so if you leave us, it's because, once more, you didn't care enough to make it work so that you could stay, even if it was just popping in once every three days or so.
And this leads me to a final conclusion of:
1) She doesn't care
2) Ranting feels good
3) I have way too much crap to get done to stay here ranting. Math homework, here I come...*sighs*
--Ave, ever adamant, yet confuzzled, and with math homework to do
PS--That rant was most likely repetitive and made no sense. Too bad.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Ave Has Been Forced to Update. Yay?
September 10th, 2010
10:10 pm.
On a Friday night.
------------------------
ANYWAYS.
Now that that is done.
I am tired and I want to sleep and I really shouldn't be updating this because I have to do NaNo stuff and I need to sleep and stuffs, but I also need to update this. Ignore the following run-on sentences like the one above, along with the excessive use of caps and many typos. My x key fails...And I haven't gotten to update in forever, so I should.
MOVING ON NOW.
Tomorrow I must finish a oneshot. I may or may not; fifty-fifty chance right now. Flipping back to Wednesday now.
Honestly, I don't remember so much of Wednesday. That means it was good, I guess. So we continue the wonderful story of my life on to Thursday.
Thursday was average, but I got a load of homework. So as soon as I got home, I dawdled for nearly an hour and then started working on homework. I was still doing this at a bit past five. When I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, it was ten-thirty pm. So I was tired. As tired as I am right now. Worse, even, if that's possible, which I guess it must be. Then I woke up and had to actually finish all my work, so I lugged my binders and textbooks and folders downstairs and settled myself on the couch. The only downside to this all was that I had to use the computer for English homework, and so I had to start it up and log on and so Skype started up, and so I got in a conversation with Des, which was nice but not good for me going to sleep and getting homework done. Which I did in the end. Then Desy fell asleep on me. *glares, then stops*
OH WAIT I REMEMBER WEDNESDAY NOW.
Okay, so the main part of Wednesday was one big problem. The problem goes by the name of contact lenses. My eyes were too dry when I put them in, and the lenses were too dry. They did not properly stick to my eye, and everything was blurry and stuffs. By the middle of the school day, me sitting next to a window or fan in nearly every class had resulted in uber dry lenses and my near blindness. Whenever I blinked, everything was blurry. So then I got to lunch. I figured I would eat and then run to my locker and put in eye drops I had in my bag. But of course, this wonderful plan didn't work, with my luck.
Because as I was eating, I blinked the freaking lens out. *fumes*
So then I got permission and left lunch and went to my locker and got the case and my contact solution, and went to the bathroom. Multiple times I tried to poke it in and couldn't make it stay. Then, next thing I know, the other one falls out. Onto the filthy public restroom floor. So then I just put them in the case and put on my glasses for the rest of the day. And that was my Wednesday.
And my Thursday is up there.
My Friday? It was...normal. Good. Nice. Fun, even. I liked it.
EXCEPT NOW I AM PANICKING.
Due to yesterday's sleeping, the schedule is failing. Tomorrow I must finish Hence, My Domain. MUST. Or else bad things happen. Bad things. And I have to catch up on an hour and a half of NaNo planning. And now a character profile I was supposed to do today. And an extra half hour for NaNo from Monday.
I FAIL.
And you know what else I need to do? Watch Miracle. I need to. NEED. Don't ask why. *shrugs*
Also, tomorrow I am supposed to do an hour of OTP planning. Homework due Monday as well, though not as much. And sleep. Must sleep. Lots.
Basically:
1) Two hours of NaNo planning
2) Hence, My Domain
3) One hour of OTP planning
4) Character Profiles
5) Homework
6) Studying
7) Watch Miracle
In that order.
So now my to-do list has a to-do list to getting it done. *shrugs*
--Ave, tired and having oh-so-much to do
10:10 pm.
On a Friday night.
------------------------
ANYWAYS.
Now that that is done.
I am tired and I want to sleep and I really shouldn't be updating this because I have to do NaNo stuff and I need to sleep and stuffs, but I also need to update this. Ignore the following run-on sentences like the one above, along with the excessive use of caps and many typos. My x key fails...And I haven't gotten to update in forever, so I should.
MOVING ON NOW.
Tomorrow I must finish a oneshot. I may or may not; fifty-fifty chance right now. Flipping back to Wednesday now.
Honestly, I don't remember so much of Wednesday. That means it was good, I guess. So we continue the wonderful story of my life on to Thursday.
Thursday was average, but I got a load of homework. So as soon as I got home, I dawdled for nearly an hour and then started working on homework. I was still doing this at a bit past five. When I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, it was ten-thirty pm. So I was tired. As tired as I am right now. Worse, even, if that's possible, which I guess it must be. Then I woke up and had to actually finish all my work, so I lugged my binders and textbooks and folders downstairs and settled myself on the couch. The only downside to this all was that I had to use the computer for English homework, and so I had to start it up and log on and so Skype started up, and so I got in a conversation with Des, which was nice but not good for me going to sleep and getting homework done. Which I did in the end. Then Desy fell asleep on me. *glares, then stops*
OH WAIT I REMEMBER WEDNESDAY NOW.
Okay, so the main part of Wednesday was one big problem. The problem goes by the name of contact lenses. My eyes were too dry when I put them in, and the lenses were too dry. They did not properly stick to my eye, and everything was blurry and stuffs. By the middle of the school day, me sitting next to a window or fan in nearly every class had resulted in uber dry lenses and my near blindness. Whenever I blinked, everything was blurry. So then I got to lunch. I figured I would eat and then run to my locker and put in eye drops I had in my bag. But of course, this wonderful plan didn't work, with my luck.
Because as I was eating, I blinked the freaking lens out. *fumes*
So then I got permission and left lunch and went to my locker and got the case and my contact solution, and went to the bathroom. Multiple times I tried to poke it in and couldn't make it stay. Then, next thing I know, the other one falls out. Onto the filthy public restroom floor. So then I just put them in the case and put on my glasses for the rest of the day. And that was my Wednesday.
And my Thursday is up there.
My Friday? It was...normal. Good. Nice. Fun, even. I liked it.
EXCEPT NOW I AM PANICKING.
Due to yesterday's sleeping, the schedule is failing. Tomorrow I must finish Hence, My Domain. MUST. Or else bad things happen. Bad things. And I have to catch up on an hour and a half of NaNo planning. And now a character profile I was supposed to do today. And an extra half hour for NaNo from Monday.
I FAIL.
And you know what else I need to do? Watch Miracle. I need to. NEED. Don't ask why. *shrugs*
Also, tomorrow I am supposed to do an hour of OTP planning. Homework due Monday as well, though not as much. And sleep. Must sleep. Lots.
Basically:
1) Two hours of NaNo planning
2) Hence, My Domain
3) One hour of OTP planning
4) Character Profiles
5) Homework
6) Studying
7) Watch Miracle
In that order.
So now my to-do list has a to-do list to getting it done. *shrugs*
--Ave, tired and having oh-so-much to do
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
An Actual Update
September 7th, 2010
9:08 pm.
On a Tuesday night.
---------
Today was the first day of school. Not all my classes were the greatest. I expected this. But only one is truly horrendous.
Spanish, which last year sucked, this year promises to be semi-good. I know barely anyone in my ELA class, but I do have one friend in there who I can work with on stuff, so I'm good. My math class . . . on this topic I have many opinions. The class is jam packed full of people. There are a ton of us, and honestly, I can't remember most of them. Some I don't like. One is one of my best friends in the entire world. Some are nice, some are cool, some I could take or leave. They're a wild card, but with the course we're taking this year, I expect us to really be working on a lot and for me to not have time to be concerned who's actually in the class.
Science is the only class I am truly sorta dreading. I don't know a lot of people, and even though aforementioned close best friend is in that class, there are also a lot of people I don't like that are also in that class. Science also promises to be tough, though, so I would think we could just really focus on that and the people wouldn't matter. Except this teacher is kind of a goof and I have the feeling it may matter. *worries* But I always have my bestie of sorts . . .
Gym and lunch are awesome. Yes, me liking gym! It's amazing! But it's more of me liking the people there *coughBESTIEcough*. And my lunch involves all four of my besties, although since one is of the male gender he doesn't like sitting with us in front of his idiotic friends. *rolls eyes* But I don't blame him. At my school, if a boy and a girl are seen together it is assumed that this is because they are dating. So he gets let off the hook.
After lunch I have some sort of home ec class with the fourth of my besties (the only class we've ever been in together besides lunch) and that seems okay. Then the horror known as science. And so forth. Any classes I didn't cover?
HISTORY. That's what. *smacks self* My history class is . . . truth be told, I also know next to none of them. And the two I have been put in a group with I do not like, and they do not seem to want to put any effort into anything. *prays for seat change soon* I mean, there are select people in the class I even know (although most of those I would sit with), let alone that I consider friends. So this year shall be interesting, although the teacher (who is also very strict, so we may spend more time focusing on the work then other stuff with my annoying peers *prays*) already likes me because I am the only one in the class, and apparently all day, who knew that Fort Sumter was the first battle of the American Civil War. *has party*
So, moving on from school.
The schedule is doing good. I have to catch up on half an hour of NaNo planning, though. Working on the plot, that is. The to-do list I made earlier is complete, and after this all I have to do is make a character profile. This may sound like something I can not achieve in an hour, but I think I can, considering that I mostly have to make up the character's history and bits of personality and maybe a few things he did often and liked, since I kill him off right in the beginning. And if I have to I'm staying up until eleven. I just need to stay on track with this schedule and sleep later. Not now. If I have to stay up until two am tonight to get this thing done, I swear I will. But I know it won't take that long. *happiness*
Either way, the schedule is on track, as long as I finish HMD tomorrow, which I think I will. Hopefully. So tomorrow I can not be lazy when I get home like I was today. And make up that half hour or so of NaNo planning, which I can do. Easily. See, I can get the schedule done on time. I know I am capable of it. I just can't procrastinate. This is something I must learn. Well.
And that is it for now, I think. Just as soon as a make yet another list.
Things Ave Has to Get Done on Wednesday
1) Homework, if any
2) Get school supplies that are still needed
3) Finish HMD
4) One half hour of NaNoWriMo planning
5) Another character profile
See, this can easily be done. If I apply myself. Which I will.
--Ave, who is making herself conform to the schedule for once
9:08 pm.
On a Tuesday night.
---------
Today was the first day of school. Not all my classes were the greatest. I expected this. But only one is truly horrendous.
Spanish, which last year sucked, this year promises to be semi-good. I know barely anyone in my ELA class, but I do have one friend in there who I can work with on stuff, so I'm good. My math class . . . on this topic I have many opinions. The class is jam packed full of people. There are a ton of us, and honestly, I can't remember most of them. Some I don't like. One is one of my best friends in the entire world. Some are nice, some are cool, some I could take or leave. They're a wild card, but with the course we're taking this year, I expect us to really be working on a lot and for me to not have time to be concerned who's actually in the class.
Science is the only class I am truly sorta dreading. I don't know a lot of people, and even though aforementioned close best friend is in that class, there are also a lot of people I don't like that are also in that class. Science also promises to be tough, though, so I would think we could just really focus on that and the people wouldn't matter. Except this teacher is kind of a goof and I have the feeling it may matter. *worries* But I always have my bestie of sorts . . .
Gym and lunch are awesome. Yes, me liking gym! It's amazing! But it's more of me liking the people there *coughBESTIEcough*. And my lunch involves all four of my besties, although since one is of the male gender he doesn't like sitting with us in front of his idiotic friends. *rolls eyes* But I don't blame him. At my school, if a boy and a girl are seen together it is assumed that this is because they are dating. So he gets let off the hook.
After lunch I have some sort of home ec class with the fourth of my besties (the only class we've ever been in together besides lunch) and that seems okay. Then the horror known as science. And so forth. Any classes I didn't cover?
HISTORY. That's what. *smacks self* My history class is . . . truth be told, I also know next to none of them. And the two I have been put in a group with I do not like, and they do not seem to want to put any effort into anything. *prays for seat change soon* I mean, there are select people in the class I even know (although most of those I would sit with), let alone that I consider friends. So this year shall be interesting, although the teacher (who is also very strict, so we may spend more time focusing on the work then other stuff with my annoying peers *prays*) already likes me because I am the only one in the class, and apparently all day, who knew that Fort Sumter was the first battle of the American Civil War. *has party*
So, moving on from school.
The schedule is doing good. I have to catch up on half an hour of NaNo planning, though. Working on the plot, that is. The to-do list I made earlier is complete, and after this all I have to do is make a character profile. This may sound like something I can not achieve in an hour, but I think I can, considering that I mostly have to make up the character's history and bits of personality and maybe a few things he did often and liked, since I kill him off right in the beginning. And if I have to I'm staying up until eleven. I just need to stay on track with this schedule and sleep later. Not now. If I have to stay up until two am tonight to get this thing done, I swear I will. But I know it won't take that long. *happiness*
Either way, the schedule is on track, as long as I finish HMD tomorrow, which I think I will. Hopefully. So tomorrow I can not be lazy when I get home like I was today. And make up that half hour or so of NaNo planning, which I can do. Easily. See, I can get the schedule done on time. I know I am capable of it. I just can't procrastinate. This is something I must learn. Well.
And that is it for now, I think. Just as soon as a make yet another list.
Things Ave Has to Get Done on Wednesday
1) Homework, if any
2) Get school supplies that are still needed
3) Finish HMD
4) One half hour of NaNoWriMo planning
5) Another character profile
See, this can easily be done. If I apply myself. Which I will.
--Ave, who is making herself conform to the schedule for once
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