Worry

October 23, 2010

Six pm.

On a Saturday night. (Shall I sing the song again?)

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Lately, I keep pondering my future. See, everyone online keeps freaking out over what high school they're going to and applications and "OH THIS SCHOOL IS SO GOOD I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO GET IN." And I sit in my corner going, "STFU, will you?"

See, I am a perfectionist, plain and simple. Most of what I care about is being the best at everything I do, and a main part of that is academics. And so as everyone talks about how great these schools they're trying to get into are, all I can think of is: I don't even have that chance. I'm going to public school. I've always known that I'm going to public school. I can't even try to get in there. I can't even try.

See, to me, there were always those private schools I heard about and my neighbors went to, but it didn't matter--I had my school and they had theirs and they were basically the same. When I got older I realized there was a difference, though: they paid to go to that school instead of my school, only my school still did better on tests. And so my school was the better one, which made me content. Only now, I see that while my school is good and offers me all these opportunities in career exploration, it's not the best. My school is a public school, one you don't have to apply to--you live in the correct area, and you can go there. And so, we can't afford to have the most prestigious classes that are all uber-advanced, because we need to pay to teach the less-advanced classes to other kids.

Don't get me wrong; we have advanced classes, we do good on tests, it's a really good school. But it gets beaten out by all these other places. Even though I may be a year ahead in math and two years ahead in science, when I graduate I can still only have one college level math and one college level science course under my belt. And that's all I can achieve.

This all comes down to one thing: my dream to be a Rhodes Scholar.

See, Rhodes Scholars are postgraduate students selected via application to go study at Oxford for two years. They also have to be the best of the best, nothing less, and charismatic, and great leaders, et cetera.

Rhodes Scholars can also get basically any job they want.

Scholars were originally accepted from all current and previous British colonies and Germany. So, essentially, all English speaking countries and Germany. Nowadays, 32 Americans a year are accepted to go study at Oxford, the greatest number from any country.

And so, now my plans for the future are to graduate, get accepted into either 1) University of Toronto, 2) NYU, 3) Princeton, 4) Yale, or 5) Harvard. And if I get accepted into more than one (which I hopefully will . . .), then I pick whichever one best coincides with my plans to go into chemical engineering. Then, the plan says that I graduate from whichever university I pick, and apply to be a Rhodes Scholar. If all goes right enough, I'll get accepted, continue studying engineering at Oxford, and live happily ever after being able to get virtually whatever occupation I desire, which will once more include chemical enginnering. Probably.

See, I'm still not sure why exactly I want to go into chemical engineering; I just know that I do. This obsession came about recently, when I remembered how my mom said she always thought I'd go into engineering, because she thought I was cut out for it. Which I could very well be; I'm good in math and science. And there's a future in engineering. So I decided that's what I'm going to be. I'll probably change it. Either way, I'm going into a career in science. Why?

Because science and business are where all the successful people are. And I want to be successful. Because if I' successful, then I can have more time to work on what I really want to work on. My writing.

You may ask, Well, then, why don't you just go straight into a career in writing? Unfortunately, the life of the writer is one full of hardships until you actually become successful, and I'd rather not have to go through that. Thus, the alternate road. *points down road*

I think we're done with this now.

Magically, I managed to write this entire thing while cooking dinner.

Watch my dinner taste like crap, and then me eat it anyways because I don't feel like cooking anymore.

--Ave, off to eat dinner and work on NaNo and write