Oh, my dear, dear blog. How very neglected you have been. *pats blog*
I've been meaning to do this for two weeks or so and haven't. And now that I am, I don't want to give a recap of everything that's happened. I feel like getting something off my chest.
Have you ever had this feeling of just not caring about anything? Because I do. All I want to do lately is sleep, eat, and read. In fact, that seems like quite a nice life. If only there was money in it.
The point is, I don't care about forums. I don't care about NaNo. I don't care about most of the people who I thought were my friends.
This has been going on for the past week or so, my not caring. It's not like I'm depressed or anything lately. I just don't want to do anything, or pry myself out of my bed to go and be productive. Of course, this would be fine. Only currently, there are two main things I must care about: homework/studying/school, as always, and NaNo. And there's no true source of motivation. I'm just tired. Really tired. And can't spare the time to sleep.
Lately my entire family has been sharing my laptop. Our other computer is broken. So I get less time online. Only, I haven't cared so much about being separated from the computer. I don't want to talk to people as much. Tonight, after I logged off, I went to go take a shower, where it struck me:
I feel neglected.
Back in May and June, on forums, everyone who was there was a friend. Everyone there was a person whom I liked, admired, respected. Same went for on Skype. Slowly, that group of friends has been whittled down to four. Four people whom I like, love like sisters, and know care about me. I'm not saying I don't care about anyone else; I do. But between mostly everyone else and me, the feelings don't run so deep. I don't know them as well. Some I care about more than others and are close to being among those I love; others might be there if I knew them a bit better. But when it comes down to it, the four I love the most are Storm, Theia, Desy, and Kal.
Those were the first four names that came to mind. Literally, they jumped right into my head. And when I thought about it, if I cared nearly as much about other people, they would have jumped to the front of my brain. But they didn't. My subconscious knows it: I love them more.
What I hate about that is that, had I made a list in July, that list would have been Storm, Theia, Thorn, Cez, Des. I didn't talk to Kal as much then, and I talked to Cez nearly every day for hours. Back then, Thorn was my best friend. And that's how quickly it all passes by.
So I have now made a list. A list of everyone whom I used to see every day in the beginning, and where they are now. And why we aren't close, except in the case of those four.
Reese--Left. Comes on occasionally. Never talk to.
Jess--Left, most likely for good, due to Zoe.
Kay--I think she hates me, or resents me. Somehow . . .
Sheva--We've never really talked too much, but she's cool. I have nothing against Sheva, and I wish we talked more.
Zoe--Screwed a lot of things up. Long story.
Storm--Still around, and more awesome by the day, even though we haven't talked properly in forever.
Theia--Still hanging around. Seriously awesome. As in, the best person ever to talk to and be taken seriously. Even if that seems contradictory to how you see her, that's how I see her.
Bianca--Still hangs around, but is mostly lurking. I wish we talked more. Bianca tends to keep to herself more, sadly.
Luna--Has never left, and still comes on. We were just never really friends.
Cara--She left, then came back. No real friendship ever developed there.
Thorn--Gone, for the most part. We were best friends. We're not anymore. Quite obviously, we never talk.
Des--Has stuck around even through a whole load of shit. The bestest little sister hell ever spawned and everyone's friend. *snickers* *luffles Des*
Kal--Never left, but was not online for around a month due to computer troubles. Luffle her to death nonetheless.
Kayla--Never online for no real reason, it seems. Never talk to.
Cez--Has disappeared because she's taking gigantic tests until the end of the month. Never talk to.
Draco--Still around, kind of. We are kind of close yet kind of not, as if both of us just kind of keep our distance.
Lola--Still around, but always busy. I have nothing against her.
Juliet--On usually, but for some reason everything is awkward-ish. *shrugs*
And that's how it's all turned out.
That's also most likely where this feeling of neglect came from. None of the people still around whom I talk to are my absolute friends. Sure, we're friends, but it doesn't run as deep as with Theia, Storm, Des, and Kal. But maybe I can cope nevertheless. I should. When you think about it, it's not horrible at all. I just wish I got to talk to those select people more. Lately I've also been getting this feeling Des is pissed at me. I don't know. My brain is severely messed up.
And the above, dear .4 readers, is all the summarization of how I've been feeling the past two weeks. So now I cram in a quick synopsis.
My birthday came and went. I am now older. My actual age is none of your concern, but not hard to find . . . Either way. Been reading a lot lately, especially John Flanagan's Ranger's Apprentice series. It's addicting, and I have discovered the one thing that I dislike in it is that Flanagan doesn't take time to show you how the relationships between the characters developed; he just tells you, "And Will and Halt were so close and cared about each other so much.", or something similar to that, instead of displaying it through their actions. This is how I feel about it, at least. I think I'll ask Storm if I can review it for D23.
Now it's bedtime. Tomorrow is my birthday party and I also have to do homework and finish my NaNo arc and three or four character profiles, all by this time (hopefully earlier) on Monday night, since it's Columbus Day and there's no school.
And that's all you need to know about yours truly.
G'Night and farewell . . .
--Ave, who is tired, has finally updated and is going back to reading The Battle for Skandia now
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