Overwhelmed

I have a lot to do.

I do not like having a lot to do.

NaNo's a bitch. And if I have to draw one more Freytag's Triangle, I swear I will hunt down whoever the hell Freytag is and kill him. Or her, but most likely him.

There's a lot of planning I should have done a long time ago.

Did this make any sense? I'll answer that. No. No it did not. But I have no time to rant. And this is just as jumbled as my thoughts right now, so it's fitting. Now I have to plan more.

--Ave

Worry

October 23, 2010

Six pm.

On a Saturday night. (Shall I sing the song again?)

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Lately, I keep pondering my future. See, everyone online keeps freaking out over what high school they're going to and applications and "OH THIS SCHOOL IS SO GOOD I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO GET IN." And I sit in my corner going, "STFU, will you?"

See, I am a perfectionist, plain and simple. Most of what I care about is being the best at everything I do, and a main part of that is academics. And so as everyone talks about how great these schools they're trying to get into are, all I can think of is: I don't even have that chance. I'm going to public school. I've always known that I'm going to public school. I can't even try to get in there. I can't even try.

See, to me, there were always those private schools I heard about and my neighbors went to, but it didn't matter--I had my school and they had theirs and they were basically the same. When I got older I realized there was a difference, though: they paid to go to that school instead of my school, only my school still did better on tests. And so my school was the better one, which made me content. Only now, I see that while my school is good and offers me all these opportunities in career exploration, it's not the best. My school is a public school, one you don't have to apply to--you live in the correct area, and you can go there. And so, we can't afford to have the most prestigious classes that are all uber-advanced, because we need to pay to teach the less-advanced classes to other kids.

Don't get me wrong; we have advanced classes, we do good on tests, it's a really good school. But it gets beaten out by all these other places. Even though I may be a year ahead in math and two years ahead in science, when I graduate I can still only have one college level math and one college level science course under my belt. And that's all I can achieve.

This all comes down to one thing: my dream to be a Rhodes Scholar.

See, Rhodes Scholars are postgraduate students selected via application to go study at Oxford for two years. They also have to be the best of the best, nothing less, and charismatic, and great leaders, et cetera.

Rhodes Scholars can also get basically any job they want.

Scholars were originally accepted from all current and previous British colonies and Germany. So, essentially, all English speaking countries and Germany. Nowadays, 32 Americans a year are accepted to go study at Oxford, the greatest number from any country.

And so, now my plans for the future are to graduate, get accepted into either 1) University of Toronto, 2) NYU, 3) Princeton, 4) Yale, or 5) Harvard. And if I get accepted into more than one (which I hopefully will . . .), then I pick whichever one best coincides with my plans to go into chemical engineering. Then, the plan says that I graduate from whichever university I pick, and apply to be a Rhodes Scholar. If all goes right enough, I'll get accepted, continue studying engineering at Oxford, and live happily ever after being able to get virtually whatever occupation I desire, which will once more include chemical enginnering. Probably.

See, I'm still not sure why exactly I want to go into chemical engineering; I just know that I do. This obsession came about recently, when I remembered how my mom said she always thought I'd go into engineering, because she thought I was cut out for it. Which I could very well be; I'm good in math and science. And there's a future in engineering. So I decided that's what I'm going to be. I'll probably change it. Either way, I'm going into a career in science. Why?

Because science and business are where all the successful people are. And I want to be successful. Because if I' successful, then I can have more time to work on what I really want to work on. My writing.

You may ask, Well, then, why don't you just go straight into a career in writing? Unfortunately, the life of the writer is one full of hardships until you actually become successful, and I'd rather not have to go through that. Thus, the alternate road. *points down road*

I think we're done with this now.

Magically, I managed to write this entire thing while cooking dinner.

Watch my dinner taste like crap, and then me eat it anyways because I don't feel like cooking anymore.

--Ave, off to eat dinner and work on NaNo and write

The Effects of Sleep Deprivation

October 17th, 2010

6 pm on a Sunday night.

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Seeing the words "Sunday night" makes me think of "Someday I'll Be Saturday Night" which makes me start singing in my head "HEY, MAN, I'M ALIVE, I'M TAKING EACH DAY AND NIGHT AT A TIME, FEELING LIKE A MONDAY BUT SOMEDAY I'LL BE SATURDAY NIGHT."

I like that song. Moving on now.

Currently, I am reading three books:

1) Ranger's Apprentice Book Eight: The Kings of Clonmel, by John Flanagan
2) Innocent Traitor, by Alison Weir,
3) The Heroes of Olympus Book One: The Lost Hero, by Rick Riordan

and I just keep flipping between them all. Everyone is talking about number three, and I want to finish it so I know what's going on, but it's not nearly as compelling as some people keep making it seem. Number two I keep abandoning to read the series number one is in, and number one is now being pushed aside for number three. I like them all, nonetheless. Continuing on . . .

See, I should be working on NaNo right now. Fifteen days are left. And, really, when I think about it, I have the basics down; I'm just ironing out details and making sure I get everything down. Character Profiles are basically done. The past events that happen before the book are covered, the whole middle part is covered, and I think I'll just go with Des's strategy: I'll think of an ending when I get there. My ideas always run away from me anyways. I'll end up doing something different, at least a bit, no matter what, so I think it's better this way. I still need to keep moving on that, though.

Yesterday, three of the five people I adore most in the world (the other two were sadly unable to make it *sob*) and I had my birthday party. Overall, we spent three-quarters of an hour laughing (it was timed) and then went back to my house and did stuff, and then went bowling, where they said we were too old for bumpers. Stupid people. *kicks stupid people*

They also decided that they were going to frost my cake. And so they told me I had to go to the bathroom and locked me in. I sang some show tunes for a while, actually used the bathroom, then got bored and read The Lost Hero while I waited.

And let's just say that many sprinkles do not belong on one cake. It crunched. *snickers* Also, they purposely misspelled my name. *despairs* Then crossed it out and re-wrote it. It was a lot more fun than I can properly describe . . .

BUT THEN--we did more stuff. And eventually went to sleep.

You know that was enthralling and captivating and emotionally moving. Or not. But still . . .

--Ave, who is just a bit loopy . . .

And Then...

October eleventh, 2010.

Just after nine pm.

On a Monday night, Columbus Day, actually.

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Oh my god.

The past two days had been, in a single word: Epic.

Productive? Not at all. But enjoyable and awesome and nothing bad had happened at all, which made it seem so great even though it was average.

Yesterday I was hanging around with all my cousins and we did stupid idiotic things that cousins do, including a two-hour long game of Life in which everyone kept having to pay my brother (the doctor) loads of cash, even when they stole his 100,000 dollar payday. It was hilarious. And then we created the Sword in the Stone with The Sword in the Ice Cream Cake, seeing as no one could cut the thing. Insane and awesome nonetheless.

Today, we went to Barnes and Noble, where I spent forever and a day picking out three books. Books are expensive. *sobs* Anyways.

Storm wrote a story about what happened with Zoe. She published it. And then the stupid LU started freaking out over it breaking the rules. Honestly, I don't care if a story is against the rules or an author is underage: It's about quality, and, even more, effort. Storm's been through more than enough over this, and they couldn't ignore it. Idiots. So then there was a minor fight...

I should go now. And it's not my place to tell.

--Ave, who is going to read The Sorcerer in the North, since she finished The Battle for Skandia, which is so much better than The Icebound Land and The Sorcerer in the North so far

PS--Yes, I did feel like confusing all of you who have not read Ranger's Apprentice :P

10-10-10

Gasp.

It's October tenth, 2010.

Ten-Ten-Ten/10-10-10.

Just felt like saying that, because I probably won't update later. I'm actually going to go to bed now.

--Ave

The Feeling That is Neglect and What Really Matters in the End

Oh, my dear, dear blog. How very neglected you have been. *pats blog*

I've been meaning to do this for two weeks or so and haven't. And now that I am, I don't want to give a recap of everything that's happened. I feel like getting something off my chest.

Have you ever had this feeling of just not caring about anything? Because I do. All I want to do lately is sleep, eat, and read. In fact, that seems like quite a nice life. If only there was money in it.

The point is, I don't care about forums. I don't care about NaNo. I don't care about most of the people who I thought were my friends.

This has been going on for the past week or so, my not caring. It's not like I'm depressed or anything lately. I just don't want to do anything, or pry myself out of my bed to go and be productive. Of course, this would be fine. Only currently, there are two main things I must care about: homework/studying/school, as always, and NaNo. And there's no true source of motivation. I'm just tired. Really tired. And can't spare the time to sleep.

Lately my entire family has been sharing my laptop. Our other computer is broken. So I get less time online. Only, I haven't cared so much about being separated from the computer. I don't want to talk to people as much. Tonight, after I logged off, I went to go take a shower, where it struck me:

I feel neglected.

Back in May and June, on forums, everyone who was there was a friend. Everyone there was a person whom I liked, admired, respected. Same went for on Skype. Slowly, that group of friends has been whittled down to four. Four people whom I like, love like sisters, and know care about me. I'm not saying I don't care about anyone else; I do. But between mostly everyone else and me, the feelings don't run so deep. I don't know them as well. Some I care about more than others and are close to being among those I love; others might be there if I knew them a bit better. But when it comes down to it, the four I love the most are Storm, Theia, Desy, and Kal.

Those were the first four names that came to mind. Literally, they jumped right into my head. And when I thought about it, if I cared nearly as much about other people, they would have jumped to the front of my brain. But they didn't. My subconscious knows it: I love them more.

What I hate about that is that, had I made a list in July, that list would have been Storm, Theia, Thorn, Cez, Des. I didn't talk to Kal as much then, and I talked to Cez nearly every day for hours. Back then, Thorn was my best friend. And that's how quickly it all passes by.

So I have now made a list. A list of everyone whom I used to see every day in the beginning, and where they are now. And why we aren't close, except in the case of those four.

Reese--Left. Comes on occasionally. Never talk to.
Jess--Left, most likely for good, due to Zoe.
Kay--I think she hates me, or resents me. Somehow . . .
Sheva--We've never really talked too much, but she's cool. I have nothing against Sheva, and I wish we talked more.
Zoe--Screwed a lot of things up. Long story.
Storm--Still around, and more awesome by the day, even though we haven't talked properly in forever.
Theia--Still hanging around. Seriously awesome. As in, the best person ever to talk to and be taken seriously. Even if that seems contradictory to how you see her, that's how I see her.
Bianca--Still hangs around, but is mostly lurking. I wish we talked more. Bianca tends to keep to herself more, sadly.
Luna--Has never left, and still comes on. We were just never really friends.
Cara--She left, then came back. No real friendship ever developed there.
Thorn--Gone, for the most part. We were best friends. We're not anymore. Quite obviously, we never talk.
Des--Has stuck around even through a whole load of shit. The bestest little sister hell ever spawned and everyone's friend. *snickers* *luffles Des*
Kal--Never left, but was not online for around a month due to computer troubles. Luffle her to death nonetheless.
Kayla--Never online for no real reason, it seems. Never talk to.
Cez--Has disappeared because she's taking gigantic tests until the end of the month. Never talk to.
Draco--Still around, kind of. We are kind of close yet kind of not, as if both of us just kind of keep our distance.
Lola--Still around, but always busy. I have nothing against her.
Juliet--On usually, but for some reason everything is awkward-ish. *shrugs*

And that's how it's all turned out.

That's also most likely where this feeling of neglect came from. None of the people still around whom I talk to are my absolute friends. Sure, we're friends, but it doesn't run as deep as with Theia, Storm, Des, and Kal. But maybe I can cope nevertheless. I should. When you think about it, it's not horrible at all. I just wish I got to talk to those select people more. Lately I've also been getting this feeling Des is pissed at me. I don't know. My brain is severely messed up.

And the above, dear .4 readers, is all the summarization of how I've been feeling the past two weeks. So now I cram in a quick synopsis.

My birthday came and went. I am now older. My actual age is none of your concern, but not hard to find . . . Either way. Been reading a lot lately, especially John Flanagan's Ranger's Apprentice series. It's addicting, and I have discovered the one thing that I dislike in it is that Flanagan doesn't take time to show you how the relationships between the characters developed; he just tells you, "And Will and Halt were so close and cared about each other so much.", or something similar to that, instead of displaying it through their actions. This is how I feel about it, at least. I think I'll ask Storm if I can review it for D23.

Now it's bedtime. Tomorrow is my birthday party and I also have to do homework and finish my NaNo arc and three or four character profiles, all by this time (hopefully earlier) on Monday night, since it's Columbus Day and there's no school.

And that's all you need to know about yours truly.

G'Night and farewell . . .
--Ave, who is tired, has finally updated and is going back to reading The Battle for Skandia now