Back to Whatever I Was Saying . . .

So. I remembered what I had wanted to talk about. I shall start the way I did before.

The world befuddles me.

Before I was attached to my computer. With my friends I was miserable. I never wrote or reviewed. And with all of my online friends I was so happy for no reason; I loved them, I was obsessed with the Internet.

But now everything is reversed.

With my new laptop I'm finding it easier than ever to detach myself from the Internet. From my supposed friends. It's weird because basically no one is on Skype anymore. Everything is basically abandoned because people are off doing whatever, and instead of worrying about this or wanting to spend more time online, I actually studied for science today and there's no upcoming test.

I was creeped out too.

I've always understood that the Internet would be a phase-thing that I'd get over--at least, before I became so close to everyone I understood that. Now it's weird because none of us seem to need each other anymore. At all. I keep having this weird urge to spontaneously stab a lot of people, and while this is sadly semi-normal, it's the people I keep wishing to stab that creeps me out.

Somewhere along the line I've become sick of them. And that scares me. Because we used to love each other and now we don't.

Lately I haven't seen a whole lot of Des, which sucks, but she has things she's doing. Theia's always there because she's Theia, and Storm usually is too, but they both lurk. Juliet's been missing more than usual lately. Thorn's usually there but kind of not because she ignores us, and Bianca has always just been doing multiple things at once and thus not really there a lot. Critic is always there and so is Kal, but it just doesn't feel right. Everything is off.

I do not like it off. Sure, I don't want everything to be totally insane, but I still miss things.

 I miss when we were carefree. I miss when nothing in the world mattered. I miss when school was easy and nothing involved effort or trying. I miss those days when all I did was forum because I had the time to forum. The days before I actually had to think about anything for school. The days before life was complicated. The days before every spare moment became about writing and working on writing and finishing stories.

I miss 2010 and forums and the insanity. I miss being a kid. But at the same time I'm so happy that I know so much more now, that this year is better than last year even if it is hard, and especially that I fall asleep at the end of the day knowing that I got something done. That doesn't stop the fact, though, that we're all growing up and splitting apart. It's kind of creepy, really. Everything's just gone.

--Ave, who feels . . . odd right now, to say the least

To List

The world befuddles me.

So. Today I was in Health with some of my friends--admittedly, they're not my best friends in the entire world whom I would do essentially anything for, but I know them fairly well and all that. And I started thinking about--what else?--friends.

I always think that I just kind of have my besties and that's it, and besides them I'm kind of a drifter. But I do know a good amount of people that I don't have the urge to kill on a daily basis, so yeah. Life is good.

Before I continue off on another note I figured I'd bother to list/explain my friends for once, for future reference. For the purposes of this blog they shall be numbered because I'm far too lazy to think of fake names and stick to them or if I do I'll start calling them those names to their faces. So.

i and I have known each other for essentially forever. We live in the same neighborhood, we've been friends since we were four. And, oddly enough, for some reason we've stuck together all these years through a whole load of crap even though we have nothing in common.

ii has been my friend for roughly two and a half years. She's brilliant, absolutely brilliant (though I top her, very slightly 8D) and the two of us work amazingly together. ii is always busy and does a certain sport all the time, though. It's her that drags my exhausted semi-corpse through science each day, yet somehow I'm still racing her for top spot. And we're not even stepping all over each other along the way. She never has a mean word to say.

iii and I have known each other for roughly a year and a half. She's like me--only, with no inhibitions and not with my obsession with being an overachiever. Really we're the same person only she doesn't care nearly as much what people think of her and has a ton of fun along the way. I'm jealous of her, really.

iv and I met on the very first day of kindergarten and hit it off, even if he did try to stalk me and maintained for a year that he was going to marry me (He finally got over me by June, then we started first grade and he met i. Same thing happened. Cycle much?) He's funny and carefree and the kind that's everyone's friend. He also gives epic hugs, even if people think that we're dating every time I hug him. This pisses me off to no end, because i, ii, and iii do not like my hugs nor does my family and thus all of my hugs must come from him and uncle/cousins who don't mind hugs.

. . . I was going to write about something else, but I forgot it. Oh well.

--Ave

OHLOOKIT'SNEWYEAR'S

Exactly that. Bye bye 2010, I loved you. D: *huggles year*

And hello, 2011. Wait while I get used to writing /11 on all my papers, okay? Because we all know it'll be February and I'll be writing /10. We all will.

So. Published Incendia. Which you should read. So I'll just leave you this link . . .

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6611676/1

Don't look at me like that. It's almost two-thirty and I don't feel like messing around with HTML.

--Ave, wishing you a Happy New Year and all that jazz

To Whom It May Concern

I don't know how to say this. So I'll let Rise Against say it for me, eh?

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

~Swing Life Away, Rise Against

Maybe it's low of me to do this. But, we said we were cool and now we just ignore each other. I feel neglected and all that crap, and obviously no one else thinks we're okay. Hell, I don't think we're okay, and I want to fix that. Everything feels fake, like we don't want to talk to each other anyways, and we just pretend the other doesn't exist. I think. And I swear I put it in the long, long rambly note: It's all or nothing. If we're just going to skirt around each other anyways, then we might as well just say we're not friends and we're not speaking to one another, and others will have to come to terms with it. But if you actually want/expect us to be actual friends again, then we actually have to speak to one another.

Responding to my PM four days after I send it when I know you've been online does not count as talking. Thought you should know that.

And maybe, since you tend to ignore my PMs anyways, you'll actually get the message. I really don't want to be pissed at you--did you happen to read Storm and Theia's Christmas story? Because it's right there, that they don't believe we're okay, and I don't either--but you don't make it simple. Because we said it was all okay, and it's really not. There's still some sort of problem.

An answer, the timely kind? It'd be lovely. And if there isn't one, I can make assumptions for myself.

--Ave, who patiently awaits the day when this whole mess is sorted out because the person to whom this is addressed will actually speak to her and seemingly mean it

PS--There's a reason that line is blue.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

SO.

It's Christmas.

That's good, right?

Anyways. Finally got my new laptop. Spent all day with my insane family and we had a load of fun. Did some stuff. Also got headphones that actually work, Daughtry CD (Leave This Town), some pajamas, socks, which I totally needed, Despicable Me, a stuffed minion plushie from Despicable Me (I love that movie, okay?), and a jump drive, 8 Gigs. And slippers, methinks. The like. Nothing very big going on. Don't feel like talking in complete sentences--I am tired and all the jazz and yeah. Hopefully friends and cousin and I are going to the movies on Tuesday, and maybe we're possibly going snow tubing. Might have a sleep over. Shall definitely actually finish presents by New Year's. That's all I have to do all week. And I can write whenever the hell I want. Because I have my own laptop.

So.

--Ave, going to sleep now, with twenty-two minutes of Christmas remaining

Place

You find comfort in the pointless things, because sometimes they make it all worth it. Then they make you happy, joyful, and console you. It's nice to have something there as a sort of buffer for the next time life throws you for a loop, an extra little something that has to be sawn through before you're vulnerable. You use these things to rebuild yourself.

Then the next time you break it makes it a bit easier, because you don't snap so easily. But it's not like they can make you invulnerable--they can't, and we all know that. You know that. You're always going to be torn apart again, driven to the edge where you find yourself staring at the meds for just a bit longer than could be considered a casual glance, and then it's a prolonged look. You deny that you're thinking about it, because the fact that you, indestructible you, who comes through everything unscathed, could be debating it is insane. Soon, however, you can't say that you aren't any longer, and admit it, just to yourself, and it disgusts you that you would ever think that, but you did and in the dark times you still do.

There's enough about yourself that disgusts you already and you don't need that on top of it. So you push it aside and move on with your life, to problems you need to solve to keep you away from those meds. You're a strong person and a weak person at the same time, stable but so close to collapsing. You love yourself and hate yourself at the same time, because you can't decide. Somehow you manage to hold yourself together, between smiling every time you think of "All you gotta do is cut off your shins and it's like BAM!--elf!" and knowing that re-reading that bio chapter seven times the night before got you the highest score out of the two hundred smartest kids in the school. Because you have moments and things worth living for, and those meds are quitting. If you give in all you do is admit that your weak half could overpower the strong half, that you can't survive adolescense like every person who's ever lived past the age of 20 could.

Some people have an excuse for that, a viable reason. You don't. You have all these reasons to weather the storm, and almost none to not--except that it's too hard. And that's no excuse, not one you'd ever accept.

Hide

It's easy to seek refuge in the corner, and that's why you do it.

You do the easy simple things, because you can't stand it being any harder than necessary. It's too much stress and pain and misery, so you avoid it. It's much easier to hide from the problem than face it.

And how can anyone expect you to face the problem when you don't even know what it is?

That's a main part of the conundrum--you don't know what you're dealing with. The problem is like an unseen predator, lying in wake, waiting for just the moment when it can strike you. You evade it, you flee, but you can only run for so long before you're consumed by exhaustion.

It's an odd problem, really, the exact opposite of the problem you had months ago.

But months ago you weren't the person you are now; you've changed so much in the past eight months it's not even funny.

Eight months. Eight months of your life are sunk into this--but now you're not so sure about it. It's constantly shifting, ever-changing, and you panic, because while it's been steady enough you're afraid it's going to capsize any minute now.

Back then you sought your refuge online, in a hidden away world you were sure, so absolutely sure, no one would ever notice. And you were convinced that it wouldn't matter and you could walk away at the end. Real life, actual life, was boring, monotonous, and you felt neglected by those you knew. So you became friends with people hundreds of miles away, oceans away, in different towns, states, cities, continents, even. You formed your niche with them and made yourself an irreplaceable part of a group, a group you were sure would never changed.

Only, then it did.

Everything was flipped over and spun around and completely morphed until it was something brand new, and only a few of you bothered to cling to the remains of that once-incredible group you loved so much, wished to spend every minute with. Now reality had sunk in and it'd become obvious that even these things were subject to change. Nothing settled down and seemed solid anymore, and everything was constantly changing. But you ignored this and clung to the past, but you changed. And there was no more believing that anything is forever. Because it isn't.

Now you're in the present and it's scary--it's scary because you find yourself pulling away, needing them less and less. You've become used to having to be separated, and it sucks, but you're used to it. And while you're apart everything fades. That's what frightens you the most, because you loved these mysterious people you've never met, and why do you think of loved in the past tense? Don't you still love them? When did you stop loving them? You love them, don't you?

Do you?

You're sure you love certain ones among them--haven't you said it so many times; aren't you sure of it?--but maybe that's not enough. Everything you know in real life just tears you from them and them from you. And you wonder--you do it sadly and with remorse and a lot of you is wishing it's not true, but you wonder--if maybe, just maybe, the world is prying you from them.

And you don't want that.

But at the same time you're bouncing between two extremes and need a middle ground. Because now you find yourself happy when you're at school, laughing with your friends--and God, you laugh so much more with them now than last year. You don't question your relationships with them anymore, because you love them, and you have a past with them. With some it's colorful and long and complicated, and with others it's short and simple, but you love them nonetheless and you've never questioned that. They're your friends, and they're some of the best things you have left in the world.

And yet, they can't be there for you all the time, and those strangers you know everything and nothing about are your friends too. Those you laugh and joke with just don't have the time for you, because they have places to be all the time and it's a twenty-minute drive to where they live, with no public transport. You love the others, but everything with them is so complicated. Around them you're this vulnerable person who brushes everything off and struggles just to hold yourself together, and you haven't felt like that around those you see every day in a long time.

You can't leave them--scratch that. You could leave them. Just not certain people. Because you love certain people, and you miss them when you don't see them for a while, and you know the depth of your relationship because they don't whine about not being close to you. The list of those you love has four people, four, just like it did earlier this year, even though so much has changed. You don't have the ability to care so much anymore, but you cling to the remnants, you cling to those four people, because you love them and they're straight with you. There's no lying and conniving and backwards messed up crap. It's normal, and it's comfortable, and it's natural. Because you belong.

But you don't know how to escape from it. You don't know how to arrange everything so you can see those people and talk to them but not waste time doing nothing. You have no solution to this problem, so you run away from it.

Into the corner.

And you don't expect to come out anytime soon.