November 25th, 2010
11:02 pm, Eastern Standard Time.
On a Thursday morning.
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I won NaNo. :D
Really, I won NaNo on Saturday, twenty days in, after writing over ten thousand in a single day. So, I am happy.
Today's Thanksgiving, and the thirteenth time I celebrate this strange, strange holiday. But of course, the focus of Thanksgiving is eating (seriously) and it's too early for that. Even apps don't start until at least one, then we have dinner at two-thirty or three, and pie at six, then everyone just scavenges until they go home. We switch off between my aunt's family and mine for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and this year it's their turn for Thanksgiving and ours for Christmas, which is how I like it best--in my mind, Thanksgiving and my aunt's house have a link that I shall never get rid of, for reasons unknown. So I'm at home with nothing to do for say, an hour.
So I thought I'd update this.
A BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF AVE'S LIFE OVER THE PAST MONTH OR SO THAT SHE'S BEEN NEGLECTING UPDATING HER BLOG, ENTIRELY UNCENSORED AND WITH NO REGARD TO WHOSE FEELINGS SHE MIGHT HURT OR EGOS SHE MAY BOOST BY WRITING THIS
Lately, I've been writing a lot of rants--deciding a lot of things and then immediately beginning to question those decisions. The focal point of all these rants turns out to be one thing, a thing I don't particularly want to talk about to the world but will because, for once, I'm going to get it all off my chest. That point is Thorn, my former best friend, and I feel that the best way to describe this is Rant VII, written in English class a few weeks back It's not nearly as bitchy as so many of the other rants are, and it gets it across. And it was originally addressed as if I was going to send it to my online friends as a whole.
Cue Rant VII
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I don't like this--any of it, there's this strange sense of foreboding about . . . everything. Nothing is sure, nothing is rock solid, and all is subject to change in a second, and that scares me. But what none of you seem to get is how much it all gets to me, and how much it bothers me, and how what you do or say or think or how you act could affect me and how I might end up feeling over all of this. God, couldn't you at least learn some tact? I don't care how selfish it sounds, or what you think of me, because the truth is that I honestly believe you should have thought about all of that before you went along skipping on your merry way and singing praises to the skies that she had returned. Dammit, it freaking hurts, okay? It hurts when you used to be best friends with someone and then you're not and everyone won't just shut the hell up about her. It hurts, dammit. You're just putting salt on the wound--no, you're pouring salt on it.
I know what you all want, and honestly, I don't see how it corresponds with what I want, what I need if I ever feel like remaining legally sane. You all want us to be best friends again, and you all think it's so damn easy to just do that--but it's not. I'm a prideful person, and I know that. I never said that I wasn't. I don't apologize unless I sure as hell know that I mean that apology, and that's why I haven't. I don't know if I'd mean it, I don't know if I want to be her best friend again. And even if I was, think about it, just think about it: How would it effect today's dynamic? Everything is different now, and that can't be denied.
I don't know a lot of things about this whole ordeal, so I'm just going to keep adding to that list until you can figure out how freaking indecisive I am over this and maybe you'll see all the grief behind it. I don't know if I even want to be her friend, and I don't know if I think any of this is good or bad, and I don't know what I want. What I do know is that change screws everything up, and I also know that talking to her also scares me. I also know one key thing:
I am not that girl who came on forums last April/May anymore. I'm a different sort of person, because I know more about the world now. I don't try to fool myself with fantasies like I used to: The only things I bother to dream of are things I know are achievable, if I work for it. And I don't entertain myself with things that are a waste of time, or at least I try not to. I've been out of sorts and I'll admit it--I'm sort of a different person, but I've maintained the fundamental bits that make up me. And new _____ is not the same as old _____. And, for reasons unknown, new ______ finds everything she does increasingly annoying to the point of wanting to roll her eyes and stab a pillow, but refrains from the latter. And dammit, I never saw her anyways. She was fine ignoring me, and frankly neither of us attempted to stay in contact.
It was over and done with before the day we fought, guys. I knew that, and I don't know if she did, but I did. And the first day, I was happy with it--the whole situation had been making me miserable since July. The first day, I was a bit shellshocked, but at the same time, it was over with, finally. But of course, none of you ever let it die, you insisted on talking about her and sobbing and going, "THORN'S GONE?!" and similar shit while I was right there, dammit. And no one bothered to think: Oh, Ave's just lost her best friend. Maybe talking about said best friend will not help the situation. Seemingly, that occured to no one.
I can't blame it all on you, and I know it. I know I was mad at you, and that I'm still kind of mad at you, but I can't stay mad at you--I do love you all like sisters. And so I don't care so much about everything that bothered me before; you know, how you always grouped me with her incessantly and never could realize that we're two separate, entirely different people who only seem similar at first. And that's a big factor too--we seemed so similar at first, but we're not. We really don't look that alike either. We're not the same person, nowhere near it, and it seemed like no one ever realized that.
But what you need to realize is that, until I know for sure that what I want is to be her friend and figure out what will happen from all of this and if this is what I truly and actually want, and then see how it's going to affect what I have now. Because, honestly, if being her friend gets in the way of something else that I already have, something that's currently not messed up, I'm not messing it up for her. I'm sorry, but it's not worth messing up something whole for something jaded, complicated, and subject to extreme change.
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It ends there, as does this blog post.
--Ave
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